Arianna Martinez on the cinematic balancing act of starting a family and being a filmmaker

Cutaways is a personal essay series where Canadian filmmakers tell the story of how their film was made. This TIFF 2024 edition by director Arianna Martinez focuses on her film Do I Know You From Somewhere?

I can't remember when I decided I wanted to have a kid. I think for some people, they just know — and have maybe always known. But in my case, it kind of snuck up on me, like a small child the second you secretly open a pack of cookies (which I have now experienced ad infinitum). And when I broached the subject with Gordon, my life/writing partner, he was hesitant.

"I thought we wanted to make movies?"

It was a valid question. Filmmaking doesn't particularly allow for the easiest family life. You can be away from home for months on end, and the hours can be brutal. But we love it, and we had already spent the better part of a decade pushing each other to be our best creative selves. Would starting a family put a stop to this? Or, at the very least, slow us down?

How do you pick between your artistic practice and your family? Your work life and your home life? This was not just my personal conundrum; this is something that people (women in particular) have been dealing with for ages. And maybe it was naivety or sheer ignorance toward how much work it would be, but I couldn't help but ask myself: Why not both?

A piece of writing advice that everyone is familiar with is to write what you know, which is, quite frankly, good advice. Audiences aren't dumb — they can identify inauthenticity immediately. Gordon and I follow this advice, with just a slight adjustment, and that's to write what you feel. And if anyone taught me to express how I feel, without filter or fear, it is my son.

Needless to say, when it came time to figure out what I wanted my first feature to be about, there were a lot of feelings and ideas and questions swirling around in my head: What if we had never had a baby? What if I had fallen in love with a woman? What if we had never met? And so eventually, and kind of naturally, the imagined answers to these questions presented themselves to us as a first draft — a story about exploring these different ideas, these different desires, and how it felt like looking at completely different lives. 

For me, it's about the feeling that we are not only one thing. We can be different versions of ourselves, and that doesn't diminish our authenticity. Looking back and feeling a sense of longing or regret doesn't lessen the love you have for your life right now. It doesn't necessarily mean anything is missing. Maybe there's just something yet to be explored, whether it be identity, sexuality or special interests. The versions of you that exist and evolve along the journey are all valid.

Do I Know You From Somewhere? is about worlds colliding, quite literally, as two different timelines begin to clash together in one woman's life. Now, obviously, Gordon and I have never experienced an alternate-timeline takeover, but the feelings are there. The feelings are authentic. And the film is asking something that I think is pretty universal: What would my life look like if I had made different choices?

When I asked myself that question, the "choices" I wanted to explore pandered to my desire for family and my ever-evolving sexual identity. I love my life now, and I'm curious about where else I might have ended up. To me, filmmaking is getting to experience and explore every version of yourself — every whim, every impulse. You write it into a script, and suddenly it becomes very real. You build a whole world around an idea, and it comes to life. Kind of like starting a family.

Our son was almost one when we began writing this script, and two and half when we went to camera. We quickly learned that balancing art and having a family is very hard, but the benefits far outweigh the challenges. 

Our production schedule for Do I Know You From Somewhere? was based around regular work hours — eight-hour days, weekends off — so everyone could continue living their lives outside of making this movie. Everything was planned out thoroughly, and we made the most of the time we had — a relaxed but firm approach. Because while making movies is probably the coolest job you could ever have, Gordon and I weren't going to miss this part of our kid's life for it.

Being a parent has also added so much to my creative process. Getting to peel back the world and see it with childlike wonder is rare. How often do we get to experience something for the first time twice? It's kind of like having a second go at things — and a lot like making a movie.

Do I Know You From Somewhere? screens at the 2024 Toronto International Film Festival, which runs September 5-15.