How I realized I was trans by making terrible horror movies

Filmmaker Tiffany Wice's early attempts at making the kinds of horror films she loves were, by her own account, not good: derivative, hard to follow, and amateurishly executed. What they did provide, however, was a safe space for her to work through the things that were troubling her. As she made more movies, friends would point out certain themes that kept coming up: mental health, not fitting in, being stalked by a dark, unseen figure, and a tendency to make the protagonist a timid female art student.

While she tried to write these comments off, deep down she had to admit that they lined up with what she was feeling on the inside: uncomfortable in her body, confused about how people were treating her, and what she calls a "shame-filled desire to be more feminine." Eventually, making these movies helped Wice realize that she was transgender. 

In her new video for the CBC Creator Network and CBC Arts, "How I Realized I was Trans by Making Terrible Horror Movies," Wice talks about how making these movies made her the woman she is today: from allowing her work through her identity to helping her gather the people who would support her during her transition.

CBC: How did you get into horror movies?

Tiffany Wice: I remember being very curious growing up about all the things I wasn't allowed to watch, like most kids. Then one day, my parents were gone or something, I was home alone, and I watched all these movies, particularly The Shining. That was the big one. I just got obsessed.

So then, how did that transition to filmmaking?

TW: Once I knew I loved movies, it wasn't even a question. I was just like, "Oh, I'm going to go to film school." I was actually just talking about it today with my mom. I made a PowerPoint presentation for my parents when I was like 15 or 16. I was like, "Here's why I'm going to film school." It was explaining how this was just what I was supposed to do.

So, making horror movies helped you realize you were trans? That's the thesis of the piece?

TW: Yes, exactly. Specifically, terrible horror movies. I think that's important to highlight that it's because they were so bad [that] I was able to figure out like, "Why am I so dead set on making these? They're so bad. What's going on here?"

I was so determined to go out and tell these stories for some reason, but I didn't have the knowledge of how to make good movies yet. I'd watched a ton of great movies, and was clearly copying them in a lot of places, but they were so clumsy and bad and just grungy. I was making choices, following my gut and being like, "Oh, the characters should do this," and it wasn't until later I was able to piece together like, "Oh, there's something weird going on here."

So can you explain a bit more about how the movies were a tool for you in figuring out your identity?

TW: I wanted to kind of talk about this in the video, but I had to cut it down for time. In all early art, I feel like you go through this phase where you're simultaneously copying from the people you love, but you're also filling in those [gaps] with yourself. I was already so hellbent on following this passion of mine — separate from my identity — this passion of making movies with this horror element. I was putting parts of myself out there for the first time.

Was there a moment in filmmaking that made you throw your backpack over the fence and go, "OK, I'm doing it. I'm transitioning and coming out?"

TW: I made that thesis film and watching that final product back — of this alien man ripping his skin off in this horrible, disgusting scene — that was definitely a moment for me. Watching that back in the editing bay was definitely as close to a pin drop moment as I got, I guess. It was an ongoing process for sure.

Do you ever want to re-make any of these movies now that you know what you're doing? 

TW: No. I mean, none of my [early] films have any creative value whatsoever. In those early films, I'm just ripping off people, you know, the kind of cliche stuff that I liked watching at the time. I'd definitely be interested in continuing to explore these kinds of things that, for whatever reason, kind of touch my soul.

Edited for length and clarity.