How to write about your ex-lovers without feeling like a bad person

I am a self-identified confessional poet. Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton are considered the two originators on this genre of poetry, and their work remains a strong influence on me as a poet because of its honesty and frankness about sex, love and violence. I wouldn't change my poetic style for anything, but there are serious risks to being a confessional poet.

When they were first published, Plath and Sexton endured a wave of criticism for being vulgar and writing about taboo topics. I've experienced the the same thing. I've heard other writers at readings refer to my work as therapy writing, not serious art. Writing about female sexuality and the aftermath of sexual violence often challenges audiences and readers, and it also challenges me. Writing about my intimate partners and relationships is the hardest thing to do. There is no way to avoid writing about them because of the work I do, but it's not an easy task.

I'm going to share some of the lessons I've learned about writing about ex-lovers. My approach may not be your approach — but if you are going to do it, try to do it well.

Be mindful of intentions

Have a clear sense of why you are writing about someone and what you hope to accomplish. If you are writing to shame them or get back together, stop right there. That's not artistic writing — it's emotional blackmail. I once sent an ex-lover a series of poems which definitely fell into this category. It's an easy trap to fall into.

If you are writing to shame them or get back together, stop right there.

Get consent

Having conversations with my lovers before I write about them is one approach that's helped me. I always check for their consent. For example, if I want to dedicate a poem to a boy, I ask for his consent with a copy of the poem included. Most of the time, my ex-lovers have been understanding and supportive. I've had some say no and I've respected that. I try to make sure they see the piece with their name on it before anyone else does as well. For poems which are not dedicated to them, I still try to check for their permission if there is identifying information about them in the piece.

Be realistic  

There are situations where you can't ask for consent. If the relationship ended in a particularly bad way or there was violence of some kind in the relationship, it might not be possible or safe. My next book, Holy Wild (forthcoming in 2018 from BookThug), includes about 15 poems about a relationship which had some rough spots for both of us. My ex saw most of the pieces and he indicated how comfortable he was with each poem before we stopped talking, but I am aware that I'm exposing less positive parts of our private lives to a public audience. You have to weigh the ethics of disclosure in your mind. I suppose you can take the approach of saying that it is your experience, so you don't need their input, but relationships are not one-way streets — they are co-created.

People often disclose information to their lovers which is sensitive and private. If I am including content which they've shared with me and not others, I think very carefully about the impact of publishing it. I do reflect my experience, but I try to be compassionate in my portrayal. If I'm showcasing their bad behaviour, I try to showcase my culpability as well. My last ex said some transphobic things to me and I wrote about it. It's likely some people knew who I was talking about, but I considered the social value of highlighting transphobia versus his own privacy. At the same time, I try to be fair in my portrayal, showing the good and the bad equally.

What's public stays public

If you regularly write about lovers, it will impact your prospective relationships. Again, I won't stop, but I've had dates cancel because they searched my name and found my writing. Some guys backed out because they read my poems and did not want to be with a public feminist trans woman. Once you disclose something in the public sphere, you can't take it back. Remember that your writing will follow you, often for the rest of your life.

Remember that your writing will follow you, often for the rest of your life.

Whenever I open one of my books, I have to be able to handle looking back on the loves I've written about. There is nothing like being in a room full of strangers and having to read about someone you still love who isn't in your life anymore. Poetry is always vulnerable, but it takes a particular kind of honesty to share the pain of heartbreak with an audience. One of my favourite poems in my last book is dedicated to a boy where the relationship didn't work out. My next book is part transition narrative, part failed love story. If I can't be honest about that relationship to myself, it will be impossible for me to read from that book in public. So while it's important to respect your ex-lovers and their privacy, it's important to recognize that what you write will continue in your life as something to face.

Recognize the impact

I've had interesting conversations with my lovers about my writing. Some of them have wanted to not engage with my work, preferring to keep those worlds separate; some of them really valued reading my observations about us. My writing has been the situational cause of two relationships failing, not because of the disclosure of personal information, but because of how my lovers saw themselves in my work. If your lover has a hard time facing the vulnerable parts of his masculinity or the impact of his actions on you, reading about himself can be very challenging to accept. Be prepared to work through this, recognizing that your version of the relationship may not be his experience of it. 

Poetry is always vulnerable, but it takes a particular kind of honesty to share the pain of heartbreak with an audience.

The most important truth to carry with you is one which Plath and Sexton championed in their work: writing is about being honest, exploring the ways our relationships shape us and speaking back to the violence which often comes with being a woman. Honour that truth. Not all your lovers will be brave enough to handle it — but the ones who can are the only ones worth loving.