Cinema helped me understand myself as a queer Asian person. I want my first movie to do the same

Cutaways is a personal essay series where filmmakers tell the story of how their film was made. This Inside Out 2023 edition by director Jason Karman focuses on his film Golden Delicious, which follows high school student Jake as he tries to figure out what he — not the people around him — wants out of his life.

Making the leap from shorts to features is the dream for many filmmakers — but for the longest time, I was anxious to make that jump. I felt like an imposter back then and feared squandering the opportunity. But after 17 years, I finally knew I was ready to make a feature.

As the eldest child in my family, much pressure was always put on my shoulders to succeed, and I was expected to be a role model for all my siblings. In the 1980s, we moved to Canada from Indonesia, and in my teens, I started having feelings for the same sex. I was raised on "saving face," a social value in many Asian cultures that teaches us to avoid humiliation and maintain status. I found myself acting as an adult when I wasn't ready; I missed the many experiences that shape a teen.

At the University of Calgary, I joined an LGBT social club. I struggled to fit in — but fortunately, they had movie nights.

Cinema helped me understand my feelings, identity, and where I could belong. Films such as Hettie Macdonald's Beautiful Thing and John Greyson's Lilies showed me how to come out, what's possible after and why we experience specific feelings when we do. After an unfulfilling stint being a geologist, I moved to Vancouver in 2002 and changed careers to become a filmmaker.

Since 2004, I've made a short film almost once a year and expanded my network every time. Starting with documentaries and transitioning to narratives, I tried reconciling my Asian and gay identities. I would learn later that I would be happier if I embraced my two halves rather than keeping them separate.

Understanding myself and where I fit in has been vital to my professional development as a director. As my short films travelled, my awareness of LGBT stories grew. I noticed how often LGBT characters ended up alone or in tragedy. Asian gay men were often depicted in the media as passive and melancholic; in these roles, they couldn't be leaders and didn't deserve happiness.

Enough exposure to this can limit how we see ourselves and prevent diaspora communities of gay Asian men from finding themselves and each other desirable. The internet also became prevalent as I learned about myself and where I fit in; this amplified my emotions and sometimes overwhelmed me with information I wasn't always ready to process. I was often fetishized for being hairless or categorized as being undesirable because I wore glasses and was Asian. I made a point to unlearn some of my own preferences; this has helped me become a more empathetic filmmaker.

In 2012, I began looking for a writing partner who shared experiences similar to my upbringing. Gorrman Lee was introduced to me through the Praxis Screenwriting Centre; his feature script, Golden Delicious, resonated deeply with me with its strong familial relationships. I recognized that features were about managing subplots and that I needed to strengthen my communication skills. So in 2016, I went to do a Master of Fine Arts in Film Production and Creative Writing at the University of British Columbia to deepen my directing knowledge and get exposure to working with different artists. The program taught me how to break down a story and communicate with actors.

Empowered, I felt ready to take on Golden Delicious at last. In 2018, I brought on Kristyn Stilling to produce, and in 2022, the film had a sold out World Premiere at the Vancouver International Film Festival. Since then, the film has travelled, receiving a number of awards including Best Picture and Audience Choice. Now, I am very excited to come back to Toronto and be included in this year's Inside Out LGBT Film Festival as a festival favourite. 

Golden Delicious follows the journey of Jake Wong as he explores his awakening queer sexuality while caught between the expectations and dreams of everyone around him. The film reveals the trials — and humour — of the emerging self and builds into a larger portrait of what it means to find happiness and live authentically. Masculinity, in my film, is constructed and performed within competitive relationships. Finding one's identity requires patience, which can challenge someone still developing when constantly exposed to unrealistic images online.

Golden Delicious was shot in March 2021; the pandemic created uncertainty in pre-production and production. We lost our original high school location due to the increased risk of COVID transmission. We compromised shooting efficiency due to restrictions on indoor gatherings and scheduling, prioritizing safety and taking longer to complete production. But despite all the challenges, we made what I hope is a universally accessible film with highly relatable characters.

As any director can attest, making a movie is not straightforward. Through this film, I wanted to understand the world and how I felt growing up. We often receive messages from strangers telling us how much watching Golden Delicious has affected them. As an LGBT first-time feature director, getting these messages is highly rewarding because it means your work is helping others find themselves — and with all the hate and indifference out there, there's nothing more meaningful than that.

Golden Delicious screens at Inside Out 2023 on Saturday, June 3.