We're rebooting all the wrong stuff. Remake these movies instead

Cut to the Feeling is a monthly column by Anne T. Donahue about the art and pop culture that sparks joy, grief, nostalgia, and everything in between.

We're living in reboot hell. An endless parade of remakes are being created, and those of us who would otherwise be at peace with the original versions of Twilight, Harry Potter, Batman, Batman, and spin-offs of Batman are instead forced to witness the same stories getting rehashed over and over again.

And so, in a desperate attempt to steer this trend in a direction that's actually interesting, I have a proposal: reboot these movies instead.

Have the guts to tackle material that not only hasn't been asking to be reworked but has no reason to be. Dance with the devil. Tempt him with the allure of creating content not a soul on this planet purported to want. Remake Ratatouille with every main character played by Nicolas Cage.

Let's finally have the courage to make things even worse.

Movie: Face/Off
Starring: Austin Butler and Chris Pratt
Premise: I don't care which actor plays which role, as my desire to see Austin Butler and Chris Pratt change faces while retaining their own respective personalities (because, let's be real, we're talking Elvis Presley and Starlord here) ranks above all logical possibilities.

Think about it. Committed to his craft to the point of still sounding like Elvis (still!), Austin would lose himself in the role so enthusiastically that we would likely see him transform into a walking, talking Chris Pratt in his ordinary life. This would finally give us one last chance to mold this Chris back into the version we thought we were working with during the Parks and Recreation era — a loveable goofball who isn't weird about his wife or his religious beliefs or his zest for firearms. Austin-as-Chris would develop a comedic streak, aw-shucksing his way into the core of the Chris Pratt of yesteryear (at least until his next role). Elvis whomst?

Meanwhile, Chris Pratt's sole purpose in this reboot would be to say things like, "Give me back my face!" and, "Hey, that's my face! You have my face!" Is he an excellent actor who could be as convincingly unhinged as Nicolas Cage or John Travolta? Absolutely not. But the heart wants what it wants, and I want to watch Chris Pratt square off against the old Chris Pratt instead of CGI dinosaurs.

Movie: Never Been Kissed
Starring: Cillian Murphy and Meryl Streep
Premise: Despite how many times I saw the original version in theatres, and how much I still cry upon the start of "Don't Worry, Baby" kicking in just in time for Drew Barrymore's character (Josie) and Michael Vartan's character (Weird, Creepy Teacher) to kiss in front of their complicit audience, I do understand that Never Been Kissed is a problematic movie. This is our opportunity to make things right.

The 1999 original is a movie about grown-ass adults returning to high school, living amongst high schoolers, courting the romantic attention of high schoolers (David Arquette plays Josie's brother, a washed-up baseball player who dates a 17-year-old … ?), only for a teacher to fall in love with Josie. Cool! She's 25 in real life, but sweetie pie, he doesn't know that. And so we have a Situation: this adult man begins dancing around his feelings for the girl he assumes is his sweet baby angel.

Enter: a gritty reboot starring Meryl Streep as a muckraking journalist, whose investigation into faculty corruption requires her to pose as a high school student transferring from some far-away town no one has ever heard of. (Montreal?) Clad in Shein and butterfly clips, she meets and is enamoured by the tortured Cillian Murphy, a tired and underpaid English teacher who knows Meryl is a 73-year-old woman with a career as renowned as Dateline's Keith Morrison and has no idea why she's doing this.

"Can you believe," she begins. Pause for emphasis. "… that I've never been kissed?"

Murphy looks at Meryl, his eyebrow arched in suspicion. He leans in as she closes her eyes. "Then why is your husband here to meet you for lunch?"

Stanley Tucci enters the classroom. He makes direct eye contact with the camera and cheers with a Negroni. Nobody knows why this movie was made.

Movie: The Fugitive
Starring: Hugh Grant and Colin Firth
Premise: After Colin Firth's Dr. Richard Kimble is framed for the murder of his wife and goes on the lam, only a determined, commanding force can track him down and eventually prove his innocence. Unfortunately, the FBI officer typically assigned to cases like these is unavailable, so a charming, bumbling ex-pat (Deputy Gerard, played by Hugh Grant) is left to step up.

As Kimble attempts to string the pieces of the plot together, Gerard begins drawing his own connections, only to waste precious investigative time nervously laughing, running his hands through his hair, and talking about taking down Paddington. "I didn't kill my wife!" Kimble bellows as he is forced to choose between being apprehended by his pursuer or jumping off a 1000-foot dam. "Oh, um, well, yes, splendid," Gerard says, half-smiling while looking up bashfully from the lock of hair falling onto his forehead. Kimble jumps after slipping and falling on the wet concrete. "Oopsie daisies!" Gerard reacts, chuckling. For no reason whatsoever, he is suddenly wearing a tweed blazer with patches on the elbows.

The film ends with the fistfight from Bridget Jones set to "It's Raining Men" re-enacted perfectly. Nobody actually solves the case, but they both dive into the pond from Pride and Prejudice (1995) before beginning an argument about whether Sense & Sensibility (also 1995) was better. It was, but that's a conversation for a different day.

Movie: Air Bud
Starring: Jenny the Donkey from Banshees of Inisherin
Premise: She's got the range. Since Air Bud is a title that refuses to adhere to strict gender rules, 2023's Bud is but a female Irish donkey; a self-described ass who may not say much, but who's willing to do what it takes to bring a flailing children's basketball team to championship glory.

This time, however, there's a twist: long retired, Jenny assumes the role of seasoned basketball coach who responds to her team and their opponents with a cold silence which speaks volumes. Only a unique brand of removed Irish discipline can transport this team of children into the realm of bankable athletes.

"Did you see me?" one child asks Jenny after a layup, desperate for approval. Jenny simply turns her head, suggesting that even in moments of triumphs, there's room for a very specific brand of authoritative disappointment. A lesson is learned.

Movie: Ratatouille
Starring: Nic Cage, Nic Cage, and Nicolas Cage
Premise: Since it was difficult to determine who Nicolas Cage would actually play (I suggested he play Remy, while my editor saw him as Linguini), it only makes sense that the world's most versatile artist take on all three lead roles — all played completely differently and with an astounding degree of cosmetic commitment.

This Ratatouille? It's live-action, man, and hardly a family affair. Rats are real. Cooking is serious. Skinner is a ghoul. Cage embodies all three, playing against himself and creating a universe in which rats are misunderstood and boast convincing sex appeal, underdog cooks have families to provide for, and selfish restaurant owners are consumed with the cleanliness of their businesses to compensate for their dirty souls.

Do we see murder? That's creative god Cage's choice to make. When confronted by Skinner, this version of Remy — a miniature Cage, aided by the special effects team behind Cats — urges him to come closer before manically laughing in Skinner's ear and escaping before tipping a container of honey onto the villain's head. "Not the bees!" Skinner cries, humiliated to be covered in the sticky stuff despite his fixation on cleanliness.

Linguini, hiding in the kitchen pantry, is inspired by this image and invents Honey Nut Cheerios. And they all lived happily ever after.