Anjulie's pop star dream had to die so she could start again

About a decade ago, Anjulie found massive success writing catchy pop songs that were all over Canadian radio and MuchMusic.

She won a Juno Award and was writing songs for the likes of Lady Gaga and Kelly Clarkson. But then, at the height of her success, she walked away from music to focus on healing some internal wounds she'd been avoiding.

In a new interview with Q's Tom Power, Anjulie says her deep desire for fame and success started when she was just a kid. She remembers being the only person of colour at her school in Oakville, Ont., where she was often a victim of racial slurs that shattered her self-esteem.

"I lost all self-esteem very, very young, and my only way of trying to assemble it back together was through music — through listening to music or making it," she tells Power. "I fantasized that that would be the thing to bring me power in this world."

Anjulie eventually manifested her dream through sheer hard work. She moved to New York where she'd perform wherever she could, including street corners, subways, and record company lobbies.

"Anyone I would meet, I would have them give me their email address so I could email them and tell them where I was going to play, at what open mic," she says. "I once met a manager and he was very powerful and someone told me, 'Oh yeah, that would be the guy.' So I waited outside of his office for like 10 hours, just waiting for him to come out, so I could give him my demo or sing him a song. That didn't end up working, but I was just hustling."

She adds that her background proved to be both an advantage and a hindrance for her, as the music industry didn't know what an Indian pop singer should look like.

"My ambiguity helped me get into a lot of disparate rooms that maybe I wouldn't have gotten into if I was just one clear ethnicity," she says. "But as an artist, it held me back because there was nobody they could point to and say, 'This worked, now you will.'"

After writing a string of hits, including her song Boom, which was featured on The Vampire Diaries, Anjulie finally found her place in pop music. Record labels weren't questioning her place in the industry anymore — they were starting bidding wars over her.

That pop star dream had to die, and it was painful.- Anjulie

But her rise to fame suddenly came to a halt when she started to feel uncomfortable with the expectations that come with being a pop star. After filming a video where she felt overly sexualized, Anjulie realized she didn't want to sell herself that way. She begged her label to forgive millions in debt and let her go, which they did.

"I tried to be this person that a lot of people kind of were banking on me being and I couldn't," she says. "I really had to mourn it.… That pop star dream had to die, and it was painful."

Through therapy, including a year spent in an addiction program, Anjulie started learning how to appreciate who she was without fame or fortune. She did eventually return to songwriting, releasing the song Chai and Sunshine last year, which highlights her reflections on what would have happened if she kept going down the path she was on before she left.

"I think the price would have been my mental health," she says. "If all those dreams came true and I never had my intervention … I think I would have been in a bad, bad place."

Now, Anjulie is back to recording songs, doing interviews, and winning awards, including one of this year's SOCAN Foundation Her Music Awards. But this time around, success means something completely different to her — it's not about numbers, but about finding joy in creating music that truly reflects what she stands for.

"I'm interested in the things that I put out doing very well, because it's also my livelihood. But the enmeshment and attachment and workaholism that I had is no longer there, and that's the relief," she says.

"There's something that I missed when I was doing this the first time around.… I'm really going to ground myself for this time."

The full interview with Anjulie is available on our YouTube channel and on our podcast, Q with Tom Power. Listen and follow wherever you get your podcasts.

Interview with Anjulie produced by Vanessa Nigro.