How memoir helped Sloane Crosley grieve the loss of her best friend

Bookends with Mattea Roach27:09Sloane Crosley: Losing her best friend and sharing her grief with the world

Sloane Crosley’s jewelry was stolen from her home, and one month later, her best friend, Russell, died. She writes about these experiences in the memoir Grief is For People, which is witty and heartbreaking. Sloane joined Mattea Roach to talk about her grief, her best friend and writing about it all.

WARNING: These audio and digital features contain discussion of suicide.

When American writer Sloane Crosley first met Russell Perreault, he was her boss for a publishing job at Vintage Books. 

The two became fast friends, both in and out of the office, taking on the literary world and beyond for most of Crosley's adult life. 

Exactly a month after a break-in shook up Crosley's sense of security, Perreault died by suicide, leaving her with profound pain, confusion and grief.

Previously known for her humorous essays collections I Was Told There'd Be Cake and Look Alive Out There, Crosley explores this heavier topic in her latest book Grief is for People.

She appeared as a guest on Bookends with Mattea Roach, CBC's new author interview show, after Roach was immediately drawn to the book's title. 

"I saw it in my local bookstore and it just caught my eye from across the room," said Roach.

"This seems exactly like the kind of thing I need to read right now. I found myself both laughing and crying in public because this is a book that's both witty and heartbreaking."

In Grief is for People, Crosley reckons with her grief using philosophy and art as a framework, writing with her trademark irreverence and honesty.

Mattea Roach: Tell me a bit about Russell.

Sloane Crosley: Oh wow, where to begin? So I met Russell in the early 2000s. He was my third boss in book publishing and I ended up working for him for 10 years, in the publicity department of Vintage Books. 

I know there's the phrase "work wife, work husband." But I think this really transcended that, where he just became my best friend, my mentor, the person I ate every lunch with, that I spent time with on the weekends.

When he died, he was 52. He was 12 years older than I was.

He was just very full throttle and a delight to be around.- Sloane Crosley

He was just sort of this charming, extremely energetic, extremely well-read, puppy-ish figure and, like a puppy, could sometimes break things and was very inappropriate all the time. But there were such marvellous jokes.

How could you be mad? But he was just this sort of, I know people say larger than life character, but if we think about all the aspects of life, you know, your friends, your family, the art you like, the songs you like, he was just very full throttle and a delight to be around.

MR: What does the title Grief is for People mean to you? 

SC: The title really comes from an understanding in the book, because the structure of it is as follows: in 2019, on June 27th, in the evening, I left my apartment to do a quick errand. That errand was actually a hand X-ray, which is relevant only because I took off all the jewellery I normally wear. 

I came home about an hour later and my apartment was burglarized. Someone had broken in through the bedroom window and all my jewellery was taken. And then exactly one month later, on July 27, Russell, who we've just been speaking about, walked into a barn on his property and died by suicide.

So the title comes from this very sharp shift, obviously, where you have something that would have made a hell of a story and then you have the life and death story that follows it. 

MR: What was it like writing this memoir as you were still very much in the process of doing the work of grieving?

SC: It's a slightly separate pipe, channel, muscle. I think because I am a writer, there is a little bit of a path laid out and part of that is about the writers I respect. Like you asked me that just now and this sort of supercut or like anthology of lines and images just flew into my brain of Joan Didion saying "take notes," Nora Ephron saying "everything is copy."

I think of the Lorrie Moore short story, which is actually also about having a child with cancer, People Like That Are the Only People Here. So much of that is about taking notes and the difficulty of taking notes while something really true and traumatic is happening.

How do you capture things without putting pressure on yourself and also without eroding the experience? You're supposed to be paying attention. It's supposed to be terrible, but I think whatever gets you through. 

If I don't do this, it will be like losing him twice.- Sloane Crosley

So I had started writing, really a little bit about the burglary. I had notes about the burglary and the mystery behind it and me trying to solve it on my own, in addition to the cops, asking for footage from, like, coffee shops. I mean, I went nuts.

But when Russell died, I had both the experience and then the actual literal notes for something about loss that were already there.

I say in the book that a lot of people encouraged me in a way not to write about it so quickly, you know just get some sleep, do what you need to do. I'm like, but this is what I need to do because this is who I am. And if I don't do this, it will be like losing him twice.

So this is happening. Right away, it was important for me, personally, to write about it.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity. It was produced by Lisa Mathews and Erin Balser. 

If you are thinking of suicide or know someone who is, here are ways you can get help:

• Canada Suicide Prevention Service: 1-833-456-4566 (Phone) | 45645 (Text) | crisisservicescanada.ca (Chat)
• In Quebec (French): Association québécoise de prévention du suicide: 1-866-APPELLE (1-866-277-3553)
• Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868 (Phone), Live Chat counselling at www.kidshelpphone.ca
• Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention: Find a crisis centre

If you feel your mental health or the mental health of a loved one is at risk of an immediate crisis, call 911.