Canada turns 150 in 'white people' years
NATIONWIDE—Canadians everywhere are excited to celebrate the nation's 150th birthday, save for a percentage of the population most people don't like to talk about.
All across the nation, Todds and Jackies will take the day to forget that Canada celebrates diversity as its strength and instead regale their families with tales of a day when things worked out great for a very specific group of people.
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It is truly inspiring to see the streets flooded with the country's youth, the leaders of tomorrow, honouring the traditions of their forefathers — shot-gunning tall cans and shooting each other with Roman candles.
Such antics harken back to the days of old. Everyone remembers Sir John A. Macdonald celebrating the nation's birth by doing a kegstand and then, having adorned a hockey helmet, running headfirst into a fencepost. It was a proud Canadian heritage moment.
Canada, of course, both as a landmass and site of human life, is oh, a pinch older than 150. However, after an aggressive, William Shatner-level facelift, it skates by with few questions asked, shoddy fake ID in hand.
We tried to solicit the opinions of what appeared to be a small collective of Indigenous youth out enjoying the day, but it turned out to be a group of white women in headdresses.
"We just thought it'd be nice to celebrate, like, their culture too," begins Sherlene Mills, 24, seemingly the leader of the pack. "Why don't we share each other's traditions, just like we definitely share the land?"
Mills either doesn't know much Canadian history or is unclear about how to use the word "share".
"I think these headdresses rock!" Ashley Gibbons, 22, chimes in. "I hope no one is offended we're wearing them, lol (Gibbons really said 'lol' out loud). I mean, I wouldn't mind if they borrowed my Lululemon pants."
A richer culture it would be tough to forge in a mere 150 years.
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