Court rules Queen can now touch Governor General once when he least expects it

OTTAWA, ON—You break the royal rules, you're going to have to face some royal consequences.

After Canadian Governor General David Johnston broke long-established protocol by touching Queen Elizabeth II—holding her elbow as she walked down a set of stairs, reportedly to help her to descend them safely—there has been much debate over whether or not this was appropriate behaviour, with many coming to Johnston's defense.

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Whatever the proper etiquette, an Ottawa judge has come down hard on Johnston, ruling that Her Royal Highness now gets to touch the outgoing Governor General once, when he least sees it coming.

"It is the opinion of this court that a breach of etiquette such as this, though perhaps not a technical crime, can be dealt with via a simple 'tit-for-tat' ruling," wrote Judge Roy Akers in his official statement.

"Quite pleased are we with this decision," said a spokesperson for the Queen.

"Also extremely satisfied were we to remark upon the fact that there is no statute of limitations," she continued. "As such, even when the outgoing Governor General's term has finished, his own back he must watch, and vigilantly. We may give him a simple high-five as early as tomorrow, we may swat him gently upside the head while he's in line at the bank in three years. There is no way for our royal subject to know—though we must think we shall cause him to sweat for at least a moderate amount of time."

At press time, Queen Elizabeth II allegedly concluded a brief meeting with the Governor General by hovering her gloved hand millimetres from his head while declaring, "Touching not, though can't'st get angry, touching not, though can'ts't get angry," repeatedly.

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