FOR REAL: A guide to faking your way through a 'Game of Thrones' conversation

"FOR REAL" is a weekly place for Anne T. Donahue to gracefully rage out about politics, pop culture and the general insanity of being alive in 2017.

I've never seen an episode of Game of Thrones. I also have no intention of ever seeing Game of Thrones.

This isn't because I think it's bad or because I think I'm better. (Note: I am, but I am better than most things on the planet, so it makes sense that I'm better than Game of Thrones, too.)

• PREVIOUSLY: I will never go to your cottage, ever
• PREVIOUSLY: Every Canadian stereotype is terrible. Sorry, but I'm right and you know I'm right

It's because Game of Thrones is like The Wire. It's like The Sopranos. It's a show I know is entertaining and interesting and heralded by every living person, but it is also one I am never going to sit down to catch up on. So far, about 259258 episodes exist. And I don't have that amount of time to dedicate to dragons or anything that isn't completely about me.

But that doesn't mean I'm about to exclude myself from the cultural conversation. Instead, I am going to fake my way through it and help you do the same.

1. Mention Arya Stark's kill list

Thanks to the internet, I'm aware that every night, Arya Stark recites the names of her enemies she intends to bring justice to via murder. And this means that a mere mention of Arya's bedtime routine will make it seem like you're completely aware of the show's homicidal spirit. "I'm going to pull an Arya Stark!" is a thing I have said, indicating both my knowledge of the series and my sociopathic tendencies.

And then I laugh sinisterly before walking away.

2. "Dragons!" (Shout this!)

There are at least three! Maybe more! Who cares! Gauge the conversation you've found yourself in the middle of, and depending on tone, offer the word "dragon" like a statement, a question, or a hypothetical. Everybody else will do the rest while you nod in agreement, or raise an eyebrow like you have your own theory.

3. Do not elaborate on your own theory

Wield power where you can. When your coworkers wait for you to explain your inquisitive expression, you shake your head, shrug your shoulders, and then say, "I mean…" before explaining that you don't want to get into it.

That's when you immediately eject yourself from the circle and retreat to your desk, blissful in your awareness that you've planted a seed of paranoia among your peers.

4. Namedrop Peter Dinklage

He's an actor who is in this TV show. Talk about how much you love him. It doesn't matter to what capacity. Just say he does a good job. He does. He won an award for doing such a good job. Talk about that, too.

5. The theme!!!!

WHAT A THEME. GODDAMN, AM I RIGHT? So sweeping! Terrific notes! Whoever composed it made a lot of good choices. Joke about it being your ringtone once. No one will ask you when. No one will care. But you'll look like your inability to engage in Game of Thrones-based conversations is based on your own choice, not on your general inability to engage in Game of Thrones-based conversations.

6. Remember that Jon Snow knows nothing

I'm sure that at this point, Jon Snow knows a few things. But this is a phrase I've heard people say and use as a meme, so it's still got some clout, probably.

7. Point to the fact that Jon Snow was dead for a while

Unless you were also dead for a while, you know this. Babies knew this. Birds. My cat. Everybody with access to wi-fi knows that at some point, Jon Snow was dead and now he isn't. The specifics don't matter, and I certainly don't have any to offer, so a strong affirmation "I'm just glad Jon Snow's back" will incite knowing nods while you parlay the conversation into the fact that the actor who played Ygritte is on The Good Fight. Then talk about that show because it's better.

8. Bring up Ed Sheeran's recent cameo

It's going to make everybody so angry for an unfathomable amount of time. Use this hour to go through their wallets and treat yourself to lunch.

9. Talk about how stupid the people who don't watch Game of Thrones are

Then they will never suspect you. As long as they've never read this list.

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