FOR REAL: 'What are you up to these days?' and other questions I'd like to avoid forever

"FOR REAL" is a weekly place for Anne T. Donahue to gracefully rage out about politics, pop culture and the general insanity of being alive in 2017.

You are never safe from the people you used to hang out with.

It may happen when you're at the grocery store, buying beets. You could be at the airport, trying to figure out if you're coming down with the flu or if that breakfast sandwich really did taste as weird as you think it did. At some point, you will most certainly be on the verge of tears in the Starbucks line, so stressed about work or life or a combination of both that when the barista spells your name "Carpet" (FYI it is "Steph") you will assume it is exactly what you deserve.

Which is when you will hear it: "What are you up to these days?"

It is the mating call of the last person on earth you ever want to see. It is the trademark of your worst enemy. It is never a question asked by a person you like, think is funny, or enjoy in the slightest. It is an act of aggression, of confrontation, and of comparison. It is the worst question in the world.

• PREVIOUSLY: A guide to faking your way through a 'Game of Thrones' conversation
• PREVIOUSLY: I will never go to your cottage, ever
• PREVIOUSLY: Every Canadian stereotype is terrible. Sorry, but I'm right and you know I'm right

Here is how to answer this, as well as any other questions that tend to be asked of you only while you're buying a single can of soup in your pyjamas on a Tuesday afternoon.

1. What are you up to these days?

I am up to everything you see right now. I am up to this conversation. I am here, in the cold light of day, confronting my biggest fears and validating my lifelong anxieties. I am at the gas station, buying a bag of chips and a bottle of Perrier and convincing myself that this is a well-balanced breakfast. I am at KFC, complaining that most of the skin on my chicken isn't crispy. I am at the movie theatre, alone on a Saturday, telling myself that this screening of Dunkirk constitutes a date with Harry Styles. I am living my best life. What about you?

2. What's new?

Years. Years and years and months and days and weeks. Since I've seen you last, I have done more things than you could possibly imagine. I have achieved greatness and had greatness thrust upon me, and I have been asked to please lower my voice in an Applebee's. I have had jobs and dreams and achievements and several Festive Specials at Swiss Chalet. But also: nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing is new after all these years. I have spent the past 2,558 days standing here, holding this Blu-Ray of Downton Abbey since 2012.

3. Where are you living now?

I will never tell you this because I listen to too many murder podcasts and don't trust any person. I will never tell you this because I don't want you to suggest we carpool or walk someplace together or share a meal at the restaurant I'm sure we both frequent. I will never tell you this in case your brother's moving into the same neighbourhood and needs somebody to show him around. I will never tell you this because somehow, you will trump it with where you live. So I will answer the best way I can. I will say I live at Buckingham Palace and use a tone that implies your complete idiocy should you dare challenge me.

4. Are you still [WHATEVER]?

Yes, I am still dating Leonardo DiCaprio. It's not documented much because we both value our privacy, but we are still very much in love, and no, we've decided not to have children. He's away too much. I'm too self-centered. Together, it'd be a recipe for disaster. Our real child is Oscar, anyway. And we only ever fight about the abundance of cargo shorts in our large albeit tasteful home.

5. And what about [EXTREMELY NICHE BUT PERSONAL TIDBIT ABOUT YOUR LIFE CIRCA 2007]?

No. That has changed. My affinity for "Save A Horse Ride A Cowboy" has waned. I am no longer obsessive about the television show The OC. I haven't read the Gossip Girl book series in many years. I stopped buying casual scarves the same month I realized super-low-rise boot-cut jeans weren't particularly flattering to my physical shape. But if answering "yes" will get me out of this conversation faster, then yes: I am still actively pursuing a relationship with the guy from first year who we discovered was an adult male Ukrainian Boy Scout. Sure.

6. We should get together sometime!

This is absolutely not a question and as the Gollum of this interaction, I am now ending it. Goodbye.

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