8 ways to own your sunburn

With the first day of summer comes a bunch of dumb idiots who get too excited, forget to put on sunscreen, and end up looking like they just looked directly into the opening of the ark of the covenant. Here are some summer time tips to make the most of your sun burn: 

1. Make up some cool excuses for why you're so badly burnt

"I was playing sports" is a pretty good blanket excuse, it sounds much better than the truth of "I got drunk and passed out in a kiddie pool full of my own urine"!

2. Match your sun burn to your clothing

If you're looking for an excuse to finally wear all red, now is your chance. Take that red leisure suit for a spin and distract gazes from your tomato face to your style that just screams "I tour with the Wiggles!"

3. Get what you want, when you want, with your angry red face

Have you ever seen someone so angry their face goes rocketship red and they get so greasy with sweat that it looks like they've been buttering toast with their forehead all morning? That will be you all the time! And people will give you what you want in fear that you'll explode like a red fleshy birthday balloon.

4. Bond with your friends

If you're rocking a brand new burn you're probably not the only one. Take your new found knowledge of sunburn and create fun, new, and embarrassing burn patterns on your friends.

5. No need to buy white t-shirts

Congrats on that farmers burn, Jethro. You just landed yourself in SAVINGS with the amount of money you'll save on not needing to buy white t-shirts for the summer!

6. Finally an excuse to wear sun glasses all the time

The best way to avoid looking like you've been firing a machine gun off the deck of a World War II battle ship is to never take off your sunglasses... ever.

7. Dress up like a lobster and pitch yourself as a restaurant spokesperson

Marketing is big money, and your red peeling body would look great advertising all you can eat shrimp, gyrating on the sidewalk outside a Red Lobster.

8. Claim to be the prince of darkness and get people to do your bidding

Don't want to fold your laundry today? Worry no more, a Satan worshipper would be more than happy to fold Beelzebub's boxer briefs.