Attention, men: you are so much more than your deodorant scent

There aren't a lot of constants in this brutal world. These days, the only things a man knows for certain is which way his dog is walking and which way his cigarillo smoke is blowing.

Even the things he thinks he can trust can't be trusted. We buy deodorants with pleasing smells – but can you trust those smells? Of course you can't. They're just chemicals pretending to be emotions. Here some advice for anyone feeling oppressed by Big Deodorant's "abstract thoughts are smells" trap.

1. "Timber" by Old Spice

You know what's authentic about you, man? It's not your beard. It's not your collection of hunting knives with shiny wood handles and it's definitely not your store that sells and repairs old tube amps. It's the fact that you actually listen to people.

2. "Kilo" by Axe

You're crazy and you want everyone to know it. Your deodorant's named after a unit of measurement used for cocaine. You always get one more tequila shot at last call and the only song you listen to is Closer by Nine Inch Nails on repeat – and it better be cranked. But the one thing you are actually going crazy about is how long it's been since you gently touched another human being.

3. "Anarchy" by Axe

You've destroyed every relationship you've ever had because you refuse to believe that sometimes, people tell you what to do because they actually do care about you.

4. "Swagger" by Old Spice

You have it all: the girl, the crew, the money, the tight shirts smothered in aggressive font, the vape pen. The one thing you don't have? The ability to be alone with your thoughts.

5. "Desperado" by Old Spice

You better let somebody love you before it's too late.

6. "Dark and Gold Temptation" by Axe

You are a creature of appetites. Sex, cake, gambling – you take and take and take but you always want more. Also, you have Type 2 diabetes.

7. "Champion" by Old Spice

You are a winner. You eat right, you exercise, and you're so jacked that your biceps look like globes with your veins acting as the national borders. Yet all the push-ups and expensive trail mix in the world won't turn off that little voice in your head that constantly tells you that your stepson Brett will never call you dad.

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