BREAKING: Trump defeats immigrants, women, minorities, working class, LGBTQ, climate, and Clinton
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Donald Trump won the US presidential election early Wednesday morning, brutally beating out every demographic in society that isn't his own.
Immigrants, women, minorities, working class, LGBTQ, the climate, and Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton fought long and hard against the Republican candidate despite the unimaginably huge social and political barriers that continuously prevented them from being heard properly and taken seriously.
Other casualties in the race included hope, love, tolerance of each other's differences, and the wistful dream of a peaceful and inclusive country.
"With respect to my opponent, which is everyone who's not a wealthy Christian straight man, you guys tried hard, I'll give you that," Trump told reporters after his win. "What a great night. Just fantastic. Just huge."
"What can I say?" he continued. "I always told you guys you were losers. Right from the beginning I said that. Maybe now you'll believe me."
Political pundits such as CNN's Damien Marshall are struggling to account for Trump's stunning and unexpected rise to victory.
"When Trump first announced he was going to run against immigrants, women, minorities, working class, LGBTQ, climate, and Clinton, I thought, come on man. There's no way you'll win. That's one powerful and experienced opponent, plus like, how much hate is in your heart that you'd even want to take that on?"
Reflecting on the long campaign trail, Trump said: "I just took it one bigoted and awful statement at a time. One sickening scandal at a time. With an opponent this big, you gotta break it down into manageable chunks. I just woke up every morning and looked in the mirror and said, okay, who can I belittle, demean, or abuse today? And then I went out and did it."
When asked if they were planning to remain in politics after this election, immigrants, women, minorities, working class, LGBTQ, the climate, and Clinton reported that they're too exhausted and depressed to comment right now.
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