Explosion of Canadian "census babies" to be born February 2017, experts predict

OTTAWA, ON—Officials at Stats Can said this morning that Canada should prepare for an enormous and unprecedented spike in the birthrate during the first week of February of 2017. According to officials, Canadians were so rabidly excited at the return of the long-form census that last night marked the most amount of concurrent intercourse ever experienced across the country.

"People were freaking out with joy. They were absolutely elated," explains government statistician Ethan Parnell. "The national mood last night just before bedtime was sky high. And you know what that means," he chuckles before winking 19 times in rapid succession.

Parnell says that whether married, common-law, or single, millions of Canadians grabbed the nearest suitable partner and channeled their rapture into wild, carefree sex. The popular dating app Tinder reported a massive surge in usage just after dinner. Hundreds of Canadian divorce lawyers say they received phone calls from clients who hastily and breathily fired them with zero explanation.

Gabrielle Dennis of Halifax and her husband Mark Fogel already have four children, and did not plan to have any more.

"Well, that was until last night," Dennis laughs. "When I got home from work and saw Mark filling out our census at the dining room table with his shirt off, I immediately lost all control and jumped him right then and there. Nothing in the history of our marriage has turned me on more than an evidence-based policymaking tool."

Fogel agrees. "I could barely open the envelope with all that hot adrenaline coursing through my body. I felt so primal. Like a real man."

Dennis says she and Fogel had an "absolutely mind-blowing night." She adds, "I think the kids put themselves to bed? I don't know. I hope they did! Mummy and daddy were very, very busy."

Elsewhere in the country, the census continued to work miracles.

"Just looking at the long-form census got me pregnant," explains Julia Belman, 35, who lives alone in Medicine Hat. "I'll confirm it in a couple weeks with my doctor, but there's really no need. I already know."

Parnell says he's a bit tired from "making sweet, passionate love to five different childhood friends last night," but he has just enough energy to issue an important warning to Canadians.

"It was a long-form night, if you know what I'm saying," Parnell laughs. He then adds, "if we act now, we can expand our daycares in time for next year. We'll need to start training about a million more midwives. I'm serious, Canada: we need to get on this. Urgently."