Content
Skip to Main ContentAccessibility Help
Funny Stuff

For an extra $25 Canadian doctors will add "so go f*#k yourself, boss" to any doctor's note

Annoyed that you had to spend $30 to get a note from your family doctor last time you had a simple head cold? Canada’s doctors have begun offering a way to express yourself for a small additional cost.
Jordan Foisy · CBC Comedy ·
(Shutterstock / Monkey Business I)

TORONTO, ON—Annoyed that you had to spend $30 to get a note from your family doctor last time you had a simple head cold? Canada's doctors have begun offering a way to express yourself for a small additional cost.

Phoebe Stewart, spokesperson for the Canadian Medical Association, explained the new policy at a press conference this morning: "Getting a doctor's note is not just irritating for the patient, but for the doctor as well. The whole reason we got into the doctor game was because we wanted to feel like omnipotent gods, tasked with the unenviable but awesome responsibility to crush or save a life depending on the capriciousness of our whims. We didn't get into it to write sick notes for gross sickies like we're the nation's moms."

Stewart, standing underneath an eight-foot portrait of House, M.D. continues, "When we noticed that many of our patients were equally upset by this common practice, we doctors thought it'd be nice to have a way to express our mutual frustration. For a fee, of course. We kind of need the cash. Have you been to a hospital lately? They're starting to get a little gnarly."

The policy works like this: for $25, your doctor will add a pithy remark of your choice to the end of the doctor's note you give your employer:

  • For $5 you get a simple "haha told you so"
  • $15 gets you the passive aggressive, "...so good thing [EMPLOYEE'S NAME] spent two hours getting this completely necessary note"
  • $25 gets you a harsh "...so go f*#k yourself, boss"
  • $35 will get you a profane "...so get the f*#k out of my face with this f*#king shit, PHILLIP" (or whatever your boss' name is. Mine is Phillip).

Canadian employers have dismissed the new notes with haughty disdain. Count Reuben Sandstein of the Small Business Association commented, "Let's be clear: the majority of Canadian employees are shiftless losers who can't be trusted and whose movements must be tracked and monitored until we can finally implant some sort of tracking chip under their pasty, sickly skin."

Local underemployed layabout Swarden Kaploisey says he loves the new taglines on the notes.

"Oh, I went all in with the full $35," he gushes. "I was furious at my boss. I admit I wasn't able to make it to work because I passed out in a public park and only awoke when a kindly old park man who I think was me from the future shook me awoke and chastised me until I trudged home with a hangover that felt like I was a bowl of dry ramen noodles being cooked in the microwave but still – it's offensive how little trust my employers have in me."

"I'm actually late for work because of this interview," Kaploisey added. "Is there any way you could write a quick thing up for me so I don't get in trouble?"

More doctors behaving badly:

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.