George W. Bush finally finishes children's book he started on 9/11

CRAWFORD, TX—With a dopey grin spreading from ear to ear, former president George W. Bush told friends, family and anyone who would listen on Sunday that he finally finished reading the children's book, The Pet Goat, that he began on that fateful day 15 years ago.

Bush, who led the country through 9/11 and the resulting wars on terror and invasion of Iraq, has made finishing the 20-page book the priority of his post-presidential years, "There was no way I could've finished this bad boy when I was still in office," he explains. "There were always so many distractions coming at my face that would make me forget where I was and start over."

• Barack Obama wrote "The Audacity Of Hope" at a McDonald's
• US presidential reboot with female lead ruining man's childhood

"I remember in 2005, I was really moving along at a nice little clip, the words were making sense, I thought, I was halfway through the story – and then Katrina hit. By the time I found a good spot to stop reading I was being accused of 'not caring about black people'. It's not that I didn't care about black people – I just really, really cared about this little tiny goat. How did he lose his family? How was he going to get back to them? I thought if I could figure out those questions I would be a better president for all Americans."

Bush, who intends to have the book made into some sort of necklace he can wear to state dinners and speeches, says he now understands the importance of reading. "People were always trying to get me to read things when I was in office," he scoffs. "Intelligence briefings, analysis of the Sunni/Shia divide. I just thought they were so boring. But now that I know how good it feels to get to that last word, heck maybe I'll crack a couple of those old reports open just for fun!"

Bush recalls a major hiccup in 2007, right as the housing market was beginning a catastrophic collapse, brought on by a lack of regulation and oversight. It was right around then he realized that the word "butt" referred to a goat's headbutting behaviour as opposed to a posterior. The revelation was mindblowing.

"Here I am, phone ringing off the hook, economy going directly into the toilet, and I just realized I've been imagining this book all wrong. It wasn't about butts at all – it was about butts. So I had to start over."

Bush, who claims to be relieved to be out of the spotlight, says he does not have a pick in the current presidential race but heartily recommends The Pet Goat to both Clinton and Trump.

"If either of them is looking for a nonstop thrill ride, it doesn't get much better than this. I never knew what scenario the little guy was going to headbutt his way out of next.  You also learn a lot about responsibility, honesty, and ethics. Maybe if I had known about these things a bit sooner, things would have ended up different for the Ol' Bush pilot."

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.