Local man emasculated by smouldering sensuality of bike store employee
PETERBOROUGH, ON—Local sad-sack Clorden Choisey says he has had it up to here with the smouldering good looks of the male mechanics and clerks at his local bike shop, Lay Down the Lock. Choisey, an apprentice vintage shoe upholsterer, claims his self-esteem takes a drastic and irreparable hit every time he needs a flat fixed on his 17-year-old road bike he got on sale at Canadian Tire.
"Look, a man starts thinking he's not half-bad looking," Choisey explains. "But then he walks in here to get a tire patched and he sees these robust sexbeasts walking around and he realizes he might as well be a pair of glasses on a sweet pickle."
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When asked what makes the bike shop employees so handsome, Choisey nearly chokes.
"What doesn't?" he shouts. "The way their beards and hair are the perfect ratio of unkempt to groomed. Each one looks like a handsome version of one of those historically accurate images of Jesus. Their arms are so taut and veiny, their forearms like tattooed gazelles."
"None of us is immune to their charms," Choisey whispers. "There's just something about the way they move around the space. A lanky grace. A sureness of body. Almost asexual. Or beyond sexual. As if sex is beneath them, a mere distraction in their cosmic quest to become one with velocity."
Libby Tannershot, a female employee at the shop, explains the reason for her co-workers' special something. "I think it's just the life we professional bikers live. It's a simple one. We ratchet and we ride. That's it. Ratchet and ride. You'd be amazed how you good and clean you feel when you commit yourself to something that pure."
Choisey, who, after just three minutes in the shop has begun repeatedly clutching at the collar of his shirt, says he doesn't know if he can continue riding a bike after laying eyes on the likes of Jesse, Jesse R., Kyle, and Jesse M.
"I think I might start driving," he says. "I most certainly cannot afford the insurance but at least there's good chance when I take the car in for repairs I'll be dealing with some clumpy muffin-looking SOBs."
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