Man's visit to hometown not sentimental or emotional in slightest

SYDNEY, NS—Local sad-sack Gordan Bloisey was disappointed when he discovered that a recent business trip to his hometown failed to result in feelings of nostalgia, sentimentality or any sort of meaningful emotions at all.

"I was there for three days," the noticeably agitated Bloisey states. "I was so excited just to feel something again."

"I'm a sensitive type, and big city living leaves me numb," he continues. "I thought maybe when I got home I'd like, run into an old crush and spend the next couple of hours walking through an orchard wistfully wondering about all the paths I didn't take and how my life could have been different."

"Nope," he sighs.

Bloisey's hometown is a former steel town now quietly receding under the waves of history. Every street corner drips with faded glory and memories, almost as if it were the set of Bruce Springsteen's Glory Days video. Nostalgia and loss hang in the air like ripe fruit. Bloisey, however, who spent his formative years getting into mischief with three other nerdy, bike-riding boys before starting a band he says "felt special but never went nowhere," felt utterly immune to the town's siren call beckoning him to relive a simpler and more innocent time.

"Well for starters, my parents and family have moved away," he explains. "Then when I landed, I remembered that my best friends from way back when have also left, except for Ken. So we hung out but it was weird. Instead of feeling like old times it just became pretty clear that we've become pretty different people and no longer have much in common."

"Then I went to the bar where I thought maybe I'd run into a blast from the past," he continues. "But it was half-empty and the only people in there were like ten years younger than me. I started staring off into the distance but before I could have a single moment of reflection, some university student called me creepy and I left."

In a last ditch effort to feel anything at all, Bloisey went to where his high school used to be before it was torn down and replaced with an H&M.

"I thought if memory lane is going to start anywhere, this is it. But I got there and not only did I not feel anything, I saw that slacks were on sale so I went in and bought two pairs of slacks. Two slacks for twenty bucks! That's a steal!"