Stephen Harper resigns as MP to pursue new career in "human, er, I mean private sector"
CALGARY, AB—Former Prime Minister Stephen Harper has resigned from his seat in the House of Commons to take on a new role in the "human, er, I mean private sector."
The move, which has been expected since Harper lost to the Liberals last fall, ends a storied political career that dates back 23 years, or "Earth-years" as the former Conservative Party leader called them before quickly correcting himself.
"By 'Earth-years', I of course just mean 'years,'" Harper clarified. "Being that we are all from Earth it is redundant to call them 'Earth-years.' Ha ha! Silly me!"
- President Obama's moving out to-do list
- Stephen Harper, Elizabeth May spotted dancing together at Tragically Hip concert
The announcement – his first public declaration without a party speechwriter – began with Harper thanking his family for letting him pursue his dream of "total domination."
"Laureen is more than just a procreative mate," he said with an alarming lack of emotion. "Without her support and the support of our younglings, I would not be standing here. And I mean that literally. It is the combined energy we feed our hive that gives me the strength to live in your atmosphere."
When asked to clarify what he meant by "hive", Harper responded only by shouting, "Silence!"
He then went on to express gratitude to his constituents in Calgary, offering a promise to continue to represent their interests nationally.
"With my initial mission complete, the younglings have expressed their desire to return to the land of my birthing," said Harper, presumably referring to his birthplace of Etobicoke. "But I told them that Alberta will always be our true home planet… by which I just mean home. In the normal human sense of the word."
Harper also had a special message to his colleagues in Ottawa in all political parties.
"To my opponents, you taught me a powerful lesson about the Canadian value of peace," he said. "And to my compatriots in the Conservative Party, I thank you for choosing me as your fearless leader."
"Because if you hadn't," he added, "I would have simply crushed and imprisoned you as my instincts would have dictated."
Following the address, Justin Trudeau congratulated his predecessor.
"On behalf of all Canadians, I thank Stephen Harper for his dedicated, and at times idiosyncratic, service to this nation," the Prime Minister wrote in a statement. "I'll never forget meeting him on my first day as an MP, the way he puffed out his throat and let out a low growl to display his dominance."
"That was just his way of expressing his love for Canada."
Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.