Wedding speech: Dos and don'ts

So, your friends are getting hitched and they've asked you to give a speech at the wedding. Just one problem... you have no idea how to do it! What if you mess up and embarrass them? What if you ruin everyone's night and they hate you forever and you die in obscurity? Never fear, speechmaker! Follow these simple dos and don'ts and your speech is guaranteed to be the hit of the night.

DO raise a toast ot the happy couple
DON'T give a PowerPoint presentation about what you think really happened on September 11, 2001

DO tell the story of how the bride and groom met
DON'T tell that story Puppetry of the Penis-style

DO use humour. People like to laugh!
DON'T deliver your entire speech "in character" as Joan Rivers

DO keep your speech between 5-7 minutes
DON'T steer the conversation back to what really happened on September 11, 2001. For instance, why did Building 7 collapse?

DO keep it clean! Remember: there are kids and grandparents listening
DON'T describe your most messed up sexual fantasy in vivid detail (eg. a barnyard scenario)

DO say a few nice words about each man and woman's search for true love
DON'T curse God for failing to provide you with a soul mate

DO toast to the health of the bridesmaids
DON'T offer them antibiotics from a bag

DO tug at the heartstrings. You've made your audience laugh—now make them cry!
DON'T read a list of all your personal and professional failures in a voice choked with tears

DO explain why the bride and groom are perfect for each other
DON'T imply that the bride (or groom) should actually be with you, and that the entire "wedding" is a farce

DO wish the couple a long and happy life togther
​DON'T imply that everyone at the wedding will be sorry when you're gone, drop a smoke bomb, and vanish into hte night like a phantom