Woman in desperate need of haircut unable to face an hour of small talk

DRUMHELLER, AB—Mara Freedman, 49, has needed a haircut for the past 18 months but has not visited a salon because the thought of participating in a full hour of small talk fills her with a crippling sense of dread.

Freedman, who typically wears her hair in a shoulder-length bob, is suffering from split ends, layers that have long grown out, and a general lack of shape and style.

"They get you in that chair and there's just no getting out," she whispers. "What sort of work do I do? Do I like it? Do I have any big plans for the weekend? Am I seeing anyone special? Oh my actual god, what a relentless stream of bullshit."

Freedman explains that when she was younger, she would eagerly participate in the strange social custom, making sure to ask her stylist how long she'd been a stylist, how long she'd worked at her current salon, and whether she'd ever want to open her own salon one day.

"I mean, obviously I didn't care about her answers whatsoever. Just like Krystal most likely wouldn't give a single shit that I'm taking my mother-in-law to Buffalo this weekend so we can hit up Jo-Ann Fabrics and Crafts. But I used to be able play the game. You know? I used to be real good."

However, Freedman says that the older she gets, the less patience she has for pointless and predictable chatter.

"The second I mention America, I know we're buckling the hell up and heading straight into confirming our mutual disapproval of Donald Trump," she sobs, clutching her lifeless pony tail and gasping for breath. "I can't. I just can't anymore. I'm exhausted. I know I look like I just escaped a decade in a polygamous sect in rural Utah. But this is the cost of my serenity."