Furious Prince Philip steps down after learning he will never be king
LONDON, UK—Palace intrigue has swept Great Britain after Prince Philip announced this week that he will be retiring from public life.
The prince made this announcement to a stunned gathering of the denizens of Buckingham Palace, reportedly because an offhand comment by Prince William had led Prince Philip to realize that he would never be king.
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"Princes William and Philip were having a conversation over some checkers," said a palace aide, who asked not to be named. "William got to the end of the board and said, 'king me!'"
"Oh, you'll have to wait for that," Philip apparently chuckled. "First me, then Charles, then you. Patience, my dear boy! Patience is the word."
A hush then reportedly fell over the room, broken by Kate Middleton, who asked softly, "First who?"
Prince Philip then explained patiently to the newcomer to the Royal Family that he would be king beginning on his 100th birthday, due to an ancient royal rule called the "Century Regulation."
When pressed on where this rule was written, Philip said, "Well, all kinds of places probably, though I was informed of it by a comedian whom I met after a command performance at the Royal Albert Hall. Actually, he mentioned it onstage as well, to great peals of laughter from the crowd, I suppose it was a laughter of shock, because they didn't know about this rule until that moment."
"The funniest thing was that I didn't either!" said Philip, wiping tears of laughter away from his eyes.
"He… they… grandpa, he was probably joking," said William, prompting several moments of thoughtful silence from Philip, and then an indignant anger.
"Who here knew that I would never be the King of England??? Did you know about this, Liz??" he protested to his wife, Queen Elizabeth II, as she entered the room. She replied with a hesitant "… wait, did you not know about this?"
Philip then called an emergency meeting at Buckingham Palace and told all assembled that he would be retiring from public life immediately. "What else was I even doing that for every day?? I wanted the people to get to know their future king!"
At press time, Prince Philip was Googling frantically, trying to remember the name of the comedian.
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