GoodLife Fitness will now allow members to enter other commercial establishments

NATIONWIDE—In a new summer promotion, Canadian fitness juggernaut GoodLife Fitness will for the first time allow its members to enter other establishments that engage in commercial activity.

"It's not something we are necessarily going to keep as a long-term practice," said Good Life CEO Les Wilson. "We just thought it might attract some of those twisted people who think they might want to do things outside our walls for some reason."

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The change comes after existing members were greeted by angry hell-dogs when trying to leave any of the 300 GoodLife locations after a workout. "We had one woman say 'but I need to go home, I need food and water'. She was reminded that we have fountains. We have decorative vegetation."

The process for getting a GoodLife membership has been designed to keep members committed for the remainder of their existence and possibly long after.

The application process includes:

• Social Insurance Number
• All banking information and passwords
• Blood sample
• Stool sample
• Sperm sample
• One finger or toe of your choice (ask about Pinky Promotion)
• Photos of all legitimate offspring
• Locks of their hair and addresses of the schools they attend (photos must be updated as their appearances change. Acne, new haircut etc.)
• Treasured family heirloom you'd hate to see burned in a sacrificial ritual for switching gyms
• Photographic proof of marital affair that can be used against you should you try to cancel membership (if you are not currently in an affair, must start one within three business days of applying to Gym)
• Google Maps satellite images of your home from multiple angles with note specifying which bedroom is most "sniper-friendly"

Though this may seem strict to some, GoodLife brass would like to remind existing members that if a certain number (which will remain secret) do end up cancelling their memberships, a ferocious basilisk will be set free from the basement of an unspecified Ontario location to feast on their souls for eternity.

"They can choose Basilisk, Amphisbaena, even gangland execution," specifies Wilson. "We're all about providing options. That's why when we give you a 15%-off Booster Juice coupon for signing up for the new promotion... you choose which type of smoothie. Well, at least that might be the way it works after our board meeting on Tuesday."

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