Hipster jam store employee's paycheque not small, just artisanal

Jams Bond, a tiny new establishment on Vancouver's trendy Commercial Drive, described on its website as "a confectionary-landscape-meets-boutique-meets-pop-up-shop-meets-emotional-flavour-based-experience", is in the business of selling locally-sourced, organic handcrafted jams, tapenades, and chutneys for anywhere between $44 and $78 per vial.

"We're a small-batch operation, so we sell the vials as pendants, so you can wear them with your favourite Golden Girls t-shirt or ugly Christmas sweater!" explains owner and sole employee Lennon Kurtz. "Typically we sell one vial every forty months."

However, a quick glimpse inside Jams Bond reveals significant overhead costs: exposed brick, glass floors, and an in-house jazz trio to help "lay down the vibe." By all accounts, Kurtz pockets very little money each week.

Asked how she is surviving on such a small paycheque, Kurtz bristles and grabs a vial of jam. "See this? I don't think of this as small. I think of this as THOUGHTFUL and ARTISANAL. And I think of my take-home pay the very same way."

Kurtz removes a rumpled paycheque for $6 from her wallet.

"When I look at this cheque, all I see is the time, attention, and love that went into preparing it. Someone sat down, and carefully handwrote this dollar amount in cursive. That person was me. But anyway."

Kurtz proudly explains that she pays herself a little differently than most.

"Every Friday, I roll up my paycheque, tie it with rustic twine, and place it in a mason jar. Then I attach a little red paper heart, write "TO: LENNON, LOVE: LENNON" on it, and present myself with this tender gift!"

Kurtz admits that one key difference between say, a vial of her olive oil and sea salt tapenade and her paycheque is that a little of the tapenade goes a very long way.

"You only need a very thin spread on your 90-grain toast. The flavour is so dense and vibrant that this baby should last you for weeks. But I'm kind of finding that the same does not hold true for money," she says, at long last eagerly greeting her first customer of 2018.

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.