NASA to send flat earthers into space, no plans to bring them back
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an increasingly divided world, it appears that humans can't agree on what shape that world even takes.
For the last 500-odd years, the prevailing "theory" (actual fact) has been that the earth is round. However, some believe this to be conspiracy. One hell of a conspiracy. A conspiracy that started in 1492 with a Spanish adventurer, spread throughout centuries, was eventually endorsed by multiple aerospace organizations from different countries that don't necessarily like each other. All of this for the apparent profit and benefit of no one.
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These "globe haters" instead believe that the earth is shaped like an upside-down Frisbee, and that Antarctica is actually a ring of giant ice mountains around the edge, holding everything in.
Which, if true, means we owe Antarctica a long overdue thank you card, or at least a fist bump.
These "orb-deniers" believe the earth is flat despite every celestial body we can see certainly being round, gently raising the question, "Just why in the fuck would we be the only flat planet?"
NASA is the premier target for abuse from this group. In an effort to one-up moon-landing deniers, flat earthers also believe that every image and satellite feed ever provided by NASA is fake.
NASA has finally had enough of these allegations and, in a surprisingly confrontational and definitely illegal move, has offered to send a group of flat earthers into space.
"I'm throwing the gauntlet down," says James Boyer, 54, current acting administrator of NASA. "You wanna call me a liar? Fine. We're willing to send 30 of these assholes into space for free."
However, what sounds like the opportunity of a lifetime does come with a heavy catch.
"We'll livestream it so everyone can see," Boyer continues. "If the earth is flat, we'll bring them home safe and pay them each $50,000. If it's an orb, they'll continue to drift through space, indefinitely. Maybe they'll get lucky, land on another planet, and find some new forms of life to bother."
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