People on Santa's "naughty list" demand to be called "alt-nice"

WORLDWIDE—The holiday season is upon us – one of the most joyous and brutally judgmental times of year.

According to reports, Santa officially decided this week who's been nice this year. However, the rest of the pack – those Santa has dubbed naughty and ungiftable – are not taking this information lying down.

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"Who the hell is Santa to judge people, anyway?" Sarah Thompson, 34, a bad person, asks. "He's a straight white man. And those elves up there – does anyone even know what they're making? You shouldn't have to be a full-sized person to make minimum wage."

"Also, we've all heard the song I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. What's that about?" Joe Florian, 26, another garbage human, adds. "This man has a wife at home and he's off making cuckolds of men around the globe."

Santa's morals aside, the parties in question challenge the very definition of naughty.

"Am I naughty? Or am I nice, but just differently? Like, alt-nice?" Thompson, still a brutal person, begins. "If I tell Julie in accounting that her pants make her look like calories are the only numbers she can't keep track of, is that mean? She'll probably never wear those pants again, which ultimately benefits all of us. You're welcome!"

The idea being presented seems to be a twisted version of the ends justifying the means.

"Yeah, I'm sick of Santa's call-out culture bullshit," Florian says, perhaps now a worse person than when this interview began, says. "If we're out there making the world a better place, how can we be naughty? For example, I punched my buddy Josh in the nuts the other day and all my other buds laughed. Are one man's balls worth more than the genuine laughter of four dudes? Think about that the next time you make a list, SCHINDLER Clause."

Florian's closing statement makes it clear that he is, at best, only peripherally aware of what the movie Schindler's List is actually about.

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