Reasons I got trapped in a Sephora for a period of 6.8 business years

The year was 2012. It was a calmer time, a hopeful time. Obama was president. We were all chortling heartily at Gangnam Style. And in February, I headed into the Sephora in downtown Toronto to quickly grab a moisturizer.

I only emerged from the store this morning. And why's that???

1. I did not know I needed elbow-darkening cream

When I walked into Sephora, I had exactly one thing wrong with me: my skin was dehydrated. After approximately one minute in the Sephora, it suddenly became clear that I had 56 other things wrong with me — things I had never even realized were problems. And that is how I came to buy the following problem-solving products: elbow darkening cream, a white blood cell exfoliator, hot wax for my aura, wrist conditioner, and coconut nose brightener.

2. ...or an eyelash sharpener?

Or dry powdered mouthwash for busy women on the go, a lip-plumping brush, a charcoal mask for my bone marrow, a smile-practicing tool, neck stimulating cream, tiny matching sleeping bags filled with lavender for my feet, or a reach-around butt mirror.

3. A lady with a giant toolbelt of brushes trapped me against a mirror and I couldn't escape

Listen: she called me "hon." We all know the type of woman who calls you hon, and we all know how it's futile to try to ignore such a woman. I spent all of 2013 in her chair being dusted, blitzed, masked, painted, and corrected, and when I got up, my face looked like a pancake stack of 71 different birthday clowns.

4. I got mesmerized by the millions of shiny serum bottles winking at me under the fluorescent light

Toward the end of 2014, a deep paralysis set in. I meandered aimlessly from Clinique to Bumble and Bumble to Kat Von D, unable to remember why I was there. Everywhere I looked, another row of little friends, promising me smoother skin and more worldly shins and shinier ears and an eternal adolescence. My eyes turned into cartoon spirals. Christmas came and went.

5. In my defense, I headed to the cash register in 2016 but the line was pretty long so I'm just getting out now

When I finally got a hold of myself and vowed to leave the Sephora once and for all, it was spring of 2016. I headed to the front counter with my nine baskets of products. But when you have to wait in line behind 200 other women who are also anxiously buying nine baskets of products, it's going to be a while, isn't it?

It was.

This morning at 7:12 a.m., I emerged into the light. My first act was to order an entire pizza, which was tremendous because I'd been surviving on coconut oil and avocado face masks. I'm going to take it easy the rest of this week, and then next week I'll start tackling my giant list of errands. I have to pay six years worth of rent, check in with my family, oh — and I think I'm out of body scrub so I'll need to pick some up somewhere.

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