REPORT: Natural peanut butter all hard again
MONCTON, NB—Though the exact reasons, as always, remain unclear, an event has occurred that we in the western world are frankly, and sadly, becoming accustomed to.
At precisely 2:03 pm today, according to sources, it was discovered that the peanut butter has gone all hard again.
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Reached for comment, Kelly Taylor, 28, said, "I don't know. I've been mixing it. I didn't stick it in the fridge or anything. Just all hard."
She then responded to a question coming from another room, saying, "Yes, I stirred it, I just said that!" before saying to this reporter, after a pause, "Do you think I'm stirring it too much? No. No that can't be."
Doug Zemeckis, 26, another resident in the same household, brought up the looming spectre of just giving up on natural peanut altogether, a possibility many households are being forced to consider in this day and age.
"I'm not saying I'll never have it again," he said. "I'm just saying, just for a little while, after I buy something from the store I don't want to have to feel like I'm making it each time, you know? It should already be made! Do something so it stays made!"
"I also don't like feeling like a failure every time I go to make toast. I don't have children, I don't have pets, what does it say about me that I can't even keep a jar of condiments alive??"
Added Taylor, walking into the room, "Also they should make the jar out something other than plastic, so we can microwave it to soften it up. I don't know what that would be, but I've melted a lot of these jars. Even if I just do five seconds, it's not enough to do anything to that peanut CONCRETE, but enough to make the jar a really weird shape so that it can't even stand up on its own anymore."
At press time, there was a bunch of oil sitting on the top, but not enough empty space to really scoop from the bottom to mix it, and they should leave more space at the top and maybe a bigger jar so you're getting just as much peanut butter but again, more empty space too.
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