REPORT: Your meeting starts at 9 am, so you'll need to be on the TTC by 2005

TORONTO, ON—A new report out today lays out compelling new evidence that because your extremely important meeting starts at 9 am – and ideally you'd like to be at work for about 8:45 just to prepare, use the washroom, and get a coffee – you should aim to be on the TTC no later than 2005.

"And we're talking early 2005, like February or March," explains Toronto Transit Commission spokesperson Ned Sheppard. "I really wouldn't push it much beyond that if your goal is 8:45 am."

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Sheppard acknowledges the difficulty inherent in boarding a subway train at a time that passed twelve years ago.

"It's not my problem," he shrugs. "But there's a 1-800 number on the back of your transfer you can try, or you can always take the train out to our Customer Service office located five kilometres under the earth at like Wilson Station. The office is open from 4:12 am to 6:03 am every ninth Wednesday. If that fails, try tweeting at us angrily? We won't answer you, though."

Amazingly, one extremely enterprising Toronto man, Ernst O'Riordan, successfully arrived at work this morning for 8:45, thanks to a tremendous – some would say deeply alarming – level of foresight.

"I sort of figured that by 2017 I'd be Vice Assistant Head of a pool supplies company, and that at 9 am today I'd be required to give a presentation on noodle quality. So that's why on February 10th, 2005, I put on my suit and tie, packed a decade worth of food and supplies, hopped on the southbound train, and lo and behold, I timed it perfectly. Walked in the door this morning at 8:46!"

"Presentation went great, thanks for asking!" he added.

At press time, it was revealed that O'Riordan had in fact presented to a completely empty boardroom as none of the people expected to attend the meeting had bothered to leave their homes in the early two-thousands.

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