Trump slams Canada for "hoarding Hollywood's most attractive Ryans"

WASHINGTON, D.C.—For the third time in as many weeks, President Donald Trump has attacked Canada for perceived unfair trade practices, this time slamming America's neighbour to the north for "hoarding all of Hollywood's most attractive Ryans."

"It's shameful what Canada is doing to our film industry," Trump said to the assembled press from his Oval Office desk. "They're flooding the market with all their hunky Ryans and putting all our hard-working American Ryans out of work. It's a disgrace. A total disgrace."

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Trump made his fiery remarks while signing the so-called "Get These Sexy Ryans Out of Hollywood Act", which establishes a special task force to investigate the infiltration of good-looking Canadians within the American entertainment industry. The Executive Order was apparently conceived and drafted by the president himself after watching this year's Academy Awards telecast.

"La La Land. Deadpool. These are big Hollywood movies. Big, big movies, okay?" explained Trump with palatable anger. "You'd think these roles should be going to our homegrown studs, right? Wrong!"

It used to be we could trust that all our Ryan-based celebrities were full-blooded Americans.- Donald Trump

"I look up their IMDB pages and all these Ryans are Canadian, every last one," he continued. "The really hot ones, at least. We've still got Seacrest and Phillippe, but those guys hardly count against Gosling and Reynolds — and I think the ladies in the room would agree with that statement."

Trump would go on to specifically blame "pretty boy" Prime Minister Justin Trudeau for "exploiting NAFTA" to benefit the careers of "his handsomest Canadian exports", apparently under the false impression that the North American Free Trade Agreement impacts the casting decisions of Hollywood studios.

"We didn't have this problem before NAFTA," the president reasoned. "It used to be we could trust that all our Ryan-based celebrities were full-blooded Americans. You certainly never saw Ryan O'Neal playing street hockey, or whatever these lying Canadians do."

When reached for comment, Trudeau met Trump's pointed criticism with a measured defense of Canada's methods of sex symbol management.

"I would suggest to the president that he take it up with the American people if he has a problem with Drake, Justin Beiber, and the Ryans Gosling and Reynolds being the subject of so many sexual fantasies," said the super-cute Prime Minister. "This is not a result of a one-sided trade deal, like he seems to believe. It's simple market forces. Nothing more."

"It's not our fault Americans find us so dreamy," Trudeau concluded.

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