Woman striving to enjoy 100-calorie snack suddenly turns on coworker

TORONTO, ON—A local woman was asked to take a leave of absence this week after physically attacking a male coworker who asked for a taste of her 100-calorie snack.

Diana Malvern, 37, was doing her best to "enjoy" her modest mid-afternoon treat when approached by Ned from accounting.

"It all started when Ned went over to her desk and said, 'Diana, you're not going to eat that all by yourself, are you? Eating all the yummy doesn't make a flat tummy. Here, let me help you out with that,'" explains shaken coworker Brian Gagnon, wincing at the memory.

"He had his own spoon in his hand already. It was a disaster. She narrowed her eyes and looked briefly at her pudding before grabbing him by the collar and shoving him into the fridge to 'find his own snack.' She fit his whole body in there. I'll never forget the sound he made when she shut the door."

Witnesses recount watching Malvern storm around the office screaming, "Do you know how many spoonfuls of pudding this is???!" while waving an empty palm-sized container around. "IT'S ONE!!!! ONE SPOONFUL!!!"

"I was very taken aback by it," whispers Ned, visibly altered from the incident. "The women in the ads seem so content with their snacks. But Diana was a mean lady. She didn't behave the way the happy photograph-women in their nice white button-downs with shoulder-length hair do at all. She doesn't even ever really brush her hair."

After hearing about Malvern's reaction, many of the women in the office rallied around her in support.

"I have a credit card-sized bag of Terra Chips right here," shares Nancy from Research and Development. "I've been waiting all afternoon for the right moment to eat them, because once all three chips are gone… I don't know what I'll do. Last week I set my office chair on fire."

Melanie from marketing pipes up, "I just ate one of those Oreo Thin Crisp packages. Did you know those cookies are only the size of a dime?! And THIN. It's like you're chewing on the memory of an Oreo you had ten years ago. After I ate them I screamed into my purse."

"I bring my own lunch from home," explains Malvern in a moment of calm. "A salad without dressing and six rice crackers. My tiny pudding is everything to me. Everything."

"Do you understand what I'm saying?" she continues, getting increasingly worked up. "My thimble-sized dollop is the only thing I've got going on here. I'll fight anyone for this thing. To the death. I'll rip your heart out with my hands. I'm not scared. Come at me."

Malvern was later taken away in handcuffs, screaming, "If you eat the tiny Teddy Grahams in my desk, I'll end you, Ned!!!"

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