Culture

How to break an argument cycle with a loved one

Advice to help you talk things through and avoid resentment.

Advice to help you talk things through and avoid resentment

illustrated image of a couple standing back to back with their arms crossed
(Credit: iStock/Getty Images)

Love hurts, as they say — and that's kinda to be expected. Google the lyrics of your favourite sappy songs and you'll see it's pretty common. But when the ones we love hurt us, how we express that pain —  how we process and convey our hurt feelings — that can mean the difference between a disagreement that's quickly done and dusted and one that resurfaces at the dinner table 10 years down the road. This might feel all too familiar if you find yourself stuck in an argument rut with someone close.

Experts agree that conflict is inevitable when it comes to close relationships. "Conflict is part of intimacy," said Dr. Noah Susswein, a clinical psychologist at the Vancouver Psychology Centre. "When you're close to someone, your behaviours affect each other deeply and sometimes it's going to be hurtful." 

In fact, conflicts are more likely to become sticking points in our longest and most important relationships. "Arguments happen in any type of relationship and at any stage, but they are more likely in longer-term relationships," said Dr. Saunia Ahmad, director and clinical psychologist at the Toronto Psychology Clinic. "That's because the longer people are together, the more likely they are to have conflict that they've never fully resolved." This can cause resentment to build over time and arguments to snowball, she added. 

Misunderstandings and an inability to see things from another person's point of view are at the heart of most disagreements, according to Ahmad and Susswein. "It's good to assume that everyone lives their own version of reality," said Susswein. "Everyone … brings their own assumptions, expectations and wishes to every situation."

It should come as no surprise that communication is imperative to conflict resolution, but putting this into practice — especially in the heat of the moment, during a big row — can be quite difficult. 

"We're not born with communication skills, we literally learn them," said Ahmad, "and if we don't learn effective ones, it has such a strong impact on our relationships, whether they're romantic, friendships or work relationships."

So, how can we become better communicators and break the cycle of constant bickering? 

Pause, process and convey your feelings

Articulating your annoyance to another person first requires a pause. Before reacting, step back, look at what bothered you and try to figure out why, said Montreal-based couples and family therapist Sherel Griffiths

Triggers are often cited as kicking off a big blow-up, whether it's around underlying family turmoil, a particularly sensitive subject among friends or a marital disagreement. Griffiths said the secret to disarming so-called triggers is to first ask ourselves if the trigger makes sense to the situation  — or if it's in fact baggage. She advised that you sit with your feelings and be curious about them. "If it was a feeling of anger in that moment, that anger made me feel frustrated, it made me feel irritable, it reminded me of something," she said as an example. "When we're triggered, it's an automatic reaction, but when you're able to sit and take a step back, then it becomes a response. A response is a healthier way of responding to the situation." It requires you to figure out why you're reacting a certain way and why your emotions are taking up so much space, she explained.

Dr. Susswein said the term "trigger" is problematic because what it implies is actually inaccurate to our experience. "It's a metaphor," he pointed out. "When you pull the trigger on a gun, it's a causal relationship. Every time you pull that trigger, a bullet fires. There is no behavioural reaction that is inevitable. Of course, there are ones that are predictable, but they're not inevitable." His advice is to look at "triggering" situations as malleable and changeable.

When you're ready to express your upset, the experts agreed that emphasizing how a particular situation made you feel is the best approach. "Share what you feel by using 'I' language, like 'I feel as though you don't care about me when you don't do the dishes,'" said Ahmad. "It's very different than 'You didn't do the dishes.'" The former shows some vulnerability as well as the impact the situation had on you, while the latter is criticism. "Often, when people hear criticism," Ahmad explained, "they're going to shut down and be less likely to hear you."

Griffiths also recommended sticking to what she calls "feeling language," like "When this was said, this is how I felt," noting that statements like "I think this" leave an opening for disputes to arise. She also noted the importance of staying on point. "If you start bringing in a whole bunch more unrelated stuff, then it becomes another argument." 

Be a good listener

We all have an innate desire to be seen, heard and acknowledged, especially when we're upset, said Griffiths. "When one person is talking, the other person should be listening."

"Fundamentally, when most people bicker they're not seeing eye to eye on something and that is because they're not truly putting themselves in the other person's shoes because that requires a lot more mental effort," said Ahmad. It's important to not just hear, but to listen. "It takes up more time, effort and energy to learn to listen effectively and often people are not aware that they're just kind of talking past each other and neither of them is actually actively listening," said Ahmad.

A great way to show that you're listening is by asking open-ended questions after the person has had a chance to express themselves, according to Ahmad. She suggests starting by asking: What do you need from me? How do you feel about that? What was that like for you? "These questions can help people elaborate and may help you further empathize with their point of view," she said.

When we're fighting to be right, rather than fighting to agree, that's when we fall into a roundabout cycle of bickering, said Ahmad. Giving another person the chance to properly express themself without interruption can help them feel understood and less combative.

Take a time out

According to Susswein, it's important to ask yourself: "Am I in a state where I could actually solve this problem?" If you're too heated and voices are raised, a time out is necessary. The experts agree that constructive conversation is much more likely after both parties have had a chance to cool off and clear their minds. 

If we try to resolve a conflict when we're "emotionally aroused," we're more likely to say something we're going to regret, said Ahmad, "because our emotions move faster than our logical minds." 

An agreed upon time out might last anywhere from 20 minutes — enough time to go out for a walk — to 24 hours, and both parties need to agree when talks will resume. Ahmad said it's important to note that walking away from another person in annoyance does not count as a time out. In fact, this sort of behaviour can leave the other person feeling rejected, so it's important to approach time outs collaboratively. For especially heated situations, she said it can be helpful to employ a code word, which both parties know signals a time out.

Be empathetic and remain open

While explaining that there's often a difference between messages transmitted and messages received, Susswein likened the situation to the childhood game of broken telephone. But here, the discrepancy grows greater the more upset we become. He recommended coming back to talk after a time out by asking: "What do you remember me saying?" And "What did you hear?" Taking the time to notice the difference between the message you relayed and how it was interpreted may help you get to the bottom of the problem. 

"If we can remember that everyone lives a slightly different version of reality, because we notice, expect, and assume different things, then we can turn it into a cooperative investigation of how things got so screwed up," said Susswein. Get curious about the other person's upset feelings and work together on a solution. "That is intrinsically collaborative and it's hard to hate someone when they're curious about your pain."

He also said it's important to remember that a deep affection for the other person often drives our most fiery disagreements, since they're part and parcel of a relationship. "I don't have any conflict with people I'm totally indifferent about," he explained. "The people I love really deeply are the people I have conflict with."

"Realize that beefs might resurface," said Griffiths. Just as it took time and conditioning to learn to behave one way, it will also take time to change your patterns. "When you do notice there are those changing behaviours, it's important to validate it," she said. "Say 'thank you.' It gives that other person incentive to do it more, because they see that you're seeing it."

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