Honest ways to say 'I'll pass' this holiday season

With the holidays upon us, the invites in your inbox may be piling up. Perhaps your hosting and gifting obligations, too. And the truth may be that you'd prefer to pass on most of it.

Sometimes gatherings fall on the same night, or there's a guest you're not keen on seeing thanks to a past skirmish. Sometimes your calendar is already too full and you feel overextended. Maybe you don't have the budget for a "white elephant" or gift exchange, a new outfit or a potluck dish. Or maybe the political — or pandemic — climate means a party doesn't feel quite right. Or you might just need a nap instead. 

Whatever the reason, it's okay to decline an invite or an ask. The issue is, what's the best way to do so without hurting anyone's feelings — or betraying how you really feel? Sometimes a simple "no, thank you" isn't enough, particularly if you're close to the host, or you always attend and bring your famous bacon-wrapped stuffed jalapeños. So, we reached out to experts for advice on the best way to say, "Not this year." 

Friendly reminder: It is OK to pass

When wrestling with having to turn down requests, remember that it's simply your right, said Vancouver-based clinical counsellor Maedean Myers. "You always have the right to decide on the people and environments you want to engage with," she affirmed, "[and] to decide what's most important to you." And most people will understand when you turn down an invitation, she said. 

But RSVPing is a must, said Julie Blais Comeau, a Gatineau, Quebec-based etiquette expert. "Most of us … feel awkward about declining an invitation," she said. "[But] the sooner we do it, the easier it is," and it's a matter of respecting the host's need to plan. 

So, if you've received an e-invite, simply reply with an email, or if you've received a text, send a text back. When you're writing your message, said Comeau, it's important to thank the person for including you before you decline. Though you needn't feel obliged to specify why you've chosen to decline, she said. You can say something as simple as, "I'm sorry, but I am unable to attend," and leave it at that.

If you're close to the host or feel you owe them more, Myers said, it's helpful to not only start and end your message with appreciation but also offer an alternative. Whatever the details, she suggests using this script: "Thank you for___.  I am feeling___.  I am needing___. Can we___?" she said, before giving an example of what those blanks might look like filled in: "Thank you for thinking of me! I'm feeling pretty wiped out from all the socializing. I need more chill one-on-one time. Can we get together, just the two of us, after the holidays? Thank you for understanding." 

What about in the case that you can't afford to participate? If it's someone you've always been transparent with, Comeau said, you can say something like, "Unfortunately, this year, our budget does not allow [for that]" before suggesting something cheap and cheerful, like seeing the holiday lights in the neighbourhood and offering to bring hot cocoa when you do. Essentially, you're ensuring the person doesn't take the "no" personally.

Avoiding the awkward

Now, what if you want to avoid another guest at the party? In that instance, said Louise Fox, a Toronto-based etiquette expert, it's best not to get into the particulars. Sharing details like that, she said, "invites unnecessary speculation or gossip about who you may have conflict with" and may not put you in a positive light. It's best to try to deal with the discomfort or keep it to yourself.

Or you could make a brief appearance, said Comeau, as long as you prepare the host for that and arrive with a positive attitude. For instance, Comeau said, you could say: "I'm just going to pop in, have one drink and I'll be on my way." Plan to bring a small gift for the host, be conversational — and don't use the party as a place to hash out any issues, she said.

What you absolutely should not do is get carried away in formulating a foolproof lie out of guilt or panic. It's always better to be direct, said Fox, who explains, "Better to say nothing than to make up an excuse and risk the chance you get caught in a lie. This would not only put you in a negative light but could be hurtful to the host." 

To consider

Let's say you are the host and receive one of these very messages declining your invite from a guest. Don't take offence, and don't speculate, said Fox. "A host should not investigate or ask a guest why they are not attending. There can be many reasons … [or] personal circumstances you may not be aware of," she said. "An invite should not be an obligation but an opportunity, a pleasure and a privilege."

In the end, whatever you decide to do, your best plan will usually be to just be honest. While that might make you feel guilty or like a bad friend, the reality is, it can deepen and strengthen your relationships, Myers shared. 

"'No' doesn't need to be so scary," said Myers. "'No,' to me, means 'never obligated.' That's all. We have choice in whatever circumstances we find ourselves in.

"Besides," she said, "you might be surprised how relieved people are when you come from a more vulnerable, honest place and genuinely express yourself."