Ask a Psychotherapist: Is This Cheating?
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Few relationship issues inspire as much debate as cheating. But cheating isn't always black and white — there are many shades of grey when it comes to infidelity. So, we talked to registered psychotherapist Janna Comrie and ran through some of your questions to decide if you're dealing with an unfaithful partner, or a simple miscommunication.
"My fiance and I are six months away from our wedding. Recently, he confessed that in a moment of anxiety about our upcoming marriage, he kissed someone at a bar. He feels awful and says it was a brief kiss, BUT — is this cheating?"
Janna's verdict: CHEATING! While wedding jitters happen, life is full of anxiety provoking moments and kissing a random person while in a committed relationship isn't an appropriate response. What would happen if there is a car accident, you're pregnant and are expecting triplets, or there is an unexpected loss in the family? Anxiety is not an excuse. Premarital counseling might be beneficial for you and your partner, in order to work through some of these emotions.
"My husband recently left his Facebook page open on his computer. My curiosity got the best of me and I took a peek. He's been messaging VERY regularly with a female co-worker and they talk about everything — his thoughts, feelings, even about issues in our marriage. However, there's nothing to indicate they've been physical. Is this cheating?"
Janna's verdict: CHEATING! But only if he hasn't been discussing these thoughts and feelings with you. If not, this is an emotional affair, and can be considered cheating. If he has talked about these thoughts and feelings with you, he's probably just venting to a confidant that happens to be female.
"My boyfriend and I have been dating seriously for four years, but I recently found out that he slept with someone else early in our relationship. At that point we hadn't yet discussed exclusivity, but it still hurts me that he did not tell me earlier. Was that cheating?"
Janna's verdict: NOT CHEATING! If you haven't discussed the boundaries and nature of your relationship, you can't assume that you're both on the same page. This is exactly why communication is SO important, even in the early stages of a relationship when you might not feel ready to put a label on things.
"I've been with my husband for more than ten years. The spark has definitely fizzled and he doesn't seem interested in re-lighting it. There's a coworker who I can tell has a crush on me, and I've gone out for a drink with him a few times after work. Nothing has happened — it just feels good to be desired. Is this cheating?"
Janna's verdict: This one is tricky. Does your husband know that you're going out for drinks with your co-worker? Are you discussing things that you wouldn't be comfortable discussing if your husband was present? Two general rules: 1) If you can't engage in EXACTLY the same behaviour in front of your partner, you're probably crossing the infidelity line. 2) If you're keeping secrets of an intimate/sexual nature with someone other than your partner about yourself, you're probably cheating.
Have you ever been in a situation that walked the thin line of cheating vs. not cheating? Tell us about it on our Facebook page.