He got a box of penises in the mail, but not the ones he's looking for

As It Happens5:51He got a box of penises in the mail — but not the ones he's looking for

Some people might have been taken aback to receive a cookie tin full of penises in the mail, but not Dale Wells.

It's exactly the sort of package the British artist and gallery owner was hoping to get when he offered "penis amnesty" to anyone who returns the several penises that have been snatched off a statue of his town's mythological founder. 

A handwritten note, scrawled on a printed newspaper article about the missing members, included in the package reads: "Picked these up after cleaning Grandad's house. Think they are what you're looking for."

But the statue in question is made of fibreglass, while the six mystery mail penises are not.

"It looks like clay," Wells told As It Happens host Nil Köksal. "I mean, I haven't bitten into them or anything like that … but, yeah, think they're just simply clay."

'Break its willy off and keep it in your drawer'

Wells is the co-owner of the Turntable Gallery in Grimsby, England, which is home to a badly butchered statue of a naked man hoisting a small child, also naked, on his shoulders.

The statue, created by Douglas Wain-Hobson in 1973, depicts Grim and Havelock, characters from 13th century Middle English literature who are key figures in Grimsby's local lore.

Legend has it that Grim, a Danish fisherman, was tasked with killing Havelock, a child who was the rightful heir to the throne. But instead, Grim spared Havelock's life and fled with him to England, where he founded the town of Grimsby.

"I don't think there's any truth to it at all, but it's quite a nice story," Wells said.

The statue of Grim and Havelock has been a target for vandals since it was first erected outside Grimsby Academy in the '70s. Grim has repeatedly had his penis purloined and his limbs lopped off, while poor Havelock has been decapitated.

Eventually, it was moved to the gallery for its own protection. But the vandalism continued there unabated, so it was put into storage in 2016.

Wells estimates Grim has had his knob robbed and replaced at least four or five times.

"It sounds like a bit of a silly way of putting it, but almost it's the townspeople taking it into their ownership," he said. "If you can, I don't know, break its willy off and keep it in your drawer or something, it's a part of that founder statue that is with you forever."

A 'halo' of penises

In 2022, Wells, determined to restore Grim's manhood once and for all, offered complete amnesty for anyone who returned the pilfered peckers. 

Then last week, a mystery box arrived full of clay phalluses nestled in straw. But Wells says they're not the wayward wieners he's been searching for. 

"I think they were maybe maquettes or, you know, work-ups to maybe cast off of," he said. 

Asked if he has a message for the sender, Wells joked: "I think that they should probably stop sending unsolicited boxes of penises to people. It's quite inhospitable."

He then chuckled and added: "No. It would be great to meet them, to be honest. It'd be lovely to see what the actual story is and the circumstances. I mean, for them, you kind of think it's probably kind of mortifying to know that your granddad had kept this cookie tin full of penises around the house."

He says he's considering putting Grim back on display along with the gallery's newest acquisitions. 

"I think we need an absolute halo of them around him, don't we?" he said.