Why we struggle with perfectionism — and how to overcome it

54:10Is being a perfectionist always bad?

Does it take you an hour to write an email that should only take five minutes?

Do you put off starting work because you're worried it won't end up being good enough?

If the answer to either of these questions is yes, then you may be a perfectionist, according to therapists. Perfectionism is the idea that a person has to be flawless in everything that they do.

A new Netflix documentary about Martha Stewart, in which the TV host and author talks about struggling with perfectionism, has recently put the issue in focus.

But perfectionism can rob people of self esteem, confidence and cause anxiety, said Israa Nasir, a New York-based psychotherapist who studied in Toronto and author of the forthcoming book, Toxic Productivity.

The reason nothing ever feels good enough to a perfectionist is because the goalposts are always moving- Israa Nasir

Three types of perfectionists

Research shows that there are three types of perfectionism that people engage in, Nasir told Just Asking.

The first is self-directed perfectionism, where people place undue stress on themselves to be perfect.

The second is externally directed, where we expect others to be perfect or set irrationally high expectations of our family, friends or colleagues, she said.

And the third is perception-based perfectionism where, "You want other people to see you as perfect," said Nasir.

Danyale Freeman, a writer and activist for Black women, argues that marginalized women can feel additional pressure to be perfect because they are already starting "lower on the hierarchy."

To be perfectionist is to procrastinate

One of the hallmarks of a perfectionist is, perhaps counterintuitively, procrastination.

"Perfectionists tend to procrastinate a lot because they are worried about not getting it exactly perfect, so they push [back] doing the things that they have to do," said Nasir.

The way some people approach writing an email illustrates perfectionism well. 

"Our workplaces really reward perfection, and sometimes what we can do is get so caught up in the small details and needing it to be perfect — and need other people to see us perfectly — that we can agonize over an email.

"Maybe you spent 40 minutes on it, and then you don't hit 'send', but you say, 'I'm going to sleep on this. I'm going to read this email first thing in the morning one more time before I send it'. [This can be] crossing over a threshold that is healthy."

In many ways, perfectionists treat themselves more harshly than the cruellest boss, said Nasir.

"The reason nothing ever feels good enough to a perfectionist is because the goalposts are always moving," she said.  

Nasir acknowledges that there can be some benefits to a perfectionist mindset. 

Perfectionists tend to always want to learn more, and can be very goal oriented. But too often that desire to be flawless becomes harmful.

"Attention to detail is such an important skill, but when it's over functioning, it's actually masking an anxiety, that, 'I don't trust the work that I just did.'"

When you need to be perfect just to be equal

Perfectionism can be especially harmful among groups who are marginalized, said Freeman, who is based in North Carolina.

Black women, for example, often feel a need to be perfect in order to be seen as equal to non-Black women, she told Just Asking. 

"In order to combat that, we take on the defence mechanism of [trying to be] perfect, no matter what it costs us because there is essentially no room for error," she said.

Freeman likened trying to get past the urge to be perfect to trying to get over a toxic ex-partner. 

"You want to go back to this person or this habit because it's something that you've relied on so heavily, and it becomes ingrained in your personality."

She said she's slowly learning to shed the habit by accepting that doing the best she can with the time she's provided is good enough, and acknowledging that what she does can be good without being technically perfect.

How to avoid perfectionism

Nasir says there are strategies that can help people accept that what we do can be good enough without being perfect.

One is simple: set a timer.

"It really is the hard practice of holding yourself accountable," she said.

For example, if you know that you should be able to write a good email in 20 minutes, set a timer for 25 minutes, just to give yourself a small buffer. When that time is up, Nasir says to just send it.

"You have to respect the timer. That's really how we build this muscle of trusting ourselves."

You can also enlist the help of a co-worker or someone else you trust to help you respect the timer.

Another tool, she said, is to come up with a set of three or four questions in advance of the task that, when answered, indicate that the task has been completed well, even if not perfect. 

For example, she suggests asking what should be included in an email to ensure it communicates what you want it to.

Overcoming perfectionism means working on emotional regulation, or learning how to be uncomfortable with the feelings that urge you toward perfectionist behaviour — without giving into them.

This may mean doing some deep breathing exercises before hitting the send button, Nasir explained.

Freeman said she's learned to feel comfortable with imperfection in her own life.

"As long as I've given it my best, that is OK."