Creating content on OnlyFans helped me embrace my disability

This essay is written by adult content creator Alex A. We've agreed not to use her legal name to protect her identity. 

I sat in a small examination room at St. Paul's Hospital in Vancouver and tears filled my eyes. 

The doctor held my hand and said, "It's going to be ok," but I couldn't help but have doubts.

After more than two decades of failed treatments for my chronic bowel disease, I was desperate for relief. I was here to meet the surgeon who would be removing my colon and rerouting my small intestine through my abdomen.

Before surgery, my chronic illness was invisible. Now I would have an ileostomy, a permanent medical device on my abdomen.

I felt alone. I didn't know anyone with an ostomy that I could ask for guidance, let alone someone my age. After all, bowel function isn't exactly small talk.

One of my primary concerns was whether or not I could continue the career I have spent the past several years building. Ordinarily this anxiety would be worth sharing with one's doctor, but due to the stigma surrounding my work, it's not something I'm always upfront about.

I'm a porn performer.

I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis at age 10, and spent a great deal of time in the BC Children's Hospital growing up. I struggled financially for several years, and I often had to choose between groceries or buying medication. Many nights a week, I would wait in line for dinner at a soup kitchen.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make ends meet. So I turned to sex work out of desperation.

I began live-streaming adult webcam shows. It wasn't long before I realised the earning potential. Soon I was writing, producing, and starring in my own adult films.

To my surprise, I discovered that I loved being a sex worker. It wasn't just the financial stability that appealed to me, but also the freedom to express myself. I could also make my own schedule, meaning I could take as many sick days as necessary.

Through the ups and downs of my illness, my online followers encouraged and financially supported me. Many admirers sent donations on days when I didn't have the strength to perform.

Their support had always sustained me, but my body was about to change drastically. I had no idea how long it would take to recover, or if I would ever feel 'normal' again.

I wondered if i could still have a career in sex work. I had never heard of a porn performer with a medical device, let alone an ileostomy.

After surgery, I was visited every day for a week by a specialised nurse who taught me how to clean and change my appliance. Aside from that, the only counselling I received was in the form of educational pamphlets.

As I flipped through glossy pages filled with smiling retirees, I noticed something was missing: there weren't any resources on post-operative sexual health. 

The failure to provide me with comprehensive sexual education suggested that sex would no longer be part of my life. It implied that I shouldn't have questions about sex, because my body was no longer sexual. 

This experience opened my eyes to the fact that many individuals see people with disabilities as inherently non-sexual. 

Disabled people watch porn, masturbate, and have sex. Why shouldn't we be represented in the pornography we are consuming?- Alex A.

But disabled people watch porn, masturbate, and have sex. Why shouldn't we be represented in the pornography that we are consuming?

Despite my apprehension of how I would be perceived, it was clear to me that the adult entertainment industry needed bodies like mine.

To my surprise, my return to porn was met with overwhelming support. I received a flood of encouragement, particularly from others living with disabilities. People who had never been represented on screen before finally felt seen. Even those who had never heard of an ileostomy were drawn to my story. They found it fascinating. 

It took a lot of courage to go back to sex work after surgery. In a strange way it was exactly what I needed in order to reframe my relationship with my body. Sharing the most vulnerable parts of myself was ultimately just the beginning of my journey to self acceptance.

Alex A. performs under the handle 'GoAskAlex.' This piece originally in June, 2023.