I talked to my Mom about her expectations of me and maybe you should too...

By Now or Never host Ify Chiwetelu

... I mean, if you want. And if your relationship is at a point that you are both ready to have that conversation with honesty and love.

My parents always encouraged me to chase my dreams, as long as I dreamt of a career as a doctor, lawyer or engineer. They imagined for me a future career where I would be financially stable and could use my skills to eventually move back to Nigeria and "uplift the country." That is a lot of pressure to put on a 10-year-old. Luckily they started telling me this when I was five.

The day I told my parents I was quitting my corporate job in Calgary to move to Toronto to "explore my creativity" was a memorable one. The news was met with stunned silence which lasted seconds before the yelling began.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Why do you think you need to love what you do for work?"

"Why are you doing this to us?" 

These were just some of the questions I remember being peppered with. Eight years and many ups and downs later, my parents are at peace with where my journey has led me. But there are still unanswered questions. So I decided to call my mother.

Family expectations are complicated, especially when they intersect with culture and history. When my parents moved to Canada, a country oceans away from the only place they had ever called home, with all their possessions crammed into a handful of suitcases, and three children in tow, they needed security. They didn't have the luxury of making decisions based on wants. Our survival depended on choosing the most sure path. My parents expected their children to build successful futures on strong foundations, above reinforced safety nets... made out of titanium.

Talking with my mom about the expectations she has of me was hard. Something about years of disagreeing about your major life decisions does not make for easy conversation.

But I am glad we talked. I didn't realise how confused she still feels about my decisions, and how she needed to know what was going through my mind. I didn't realise how much I needed to hear her say that she trusts me and that, in spite of it all, she's proud of me.

I wish I could say that everyone should have this conversation but I can't. Unmet expectations are the breeding ground of resentment. There are things that my parents and I will never agree on, there are apologies we each feel owed that the other will never provide. I'm glad to know that in the end, it's all okay.