How my son and I found each other and created a family

Contributed by Julie Epp

I never thought I would be about to become a grandmother at 44, but nothing about the way I've created my little family was what I expected.

The first time I saw Claude Hashakimana was in 2010, at the Kimisagara Orphanage in Rwanda, when I arrived with two hockey bags full of donated shoes. 

I remember climbing a steep hill and entering a dark room. After a few minutes, all of the kids walked in, each one holding a candle. I'll never forget that vision of their small faces lit up in the darkness.  

It's been 10 years since that moment that forever connected my heart to Rwanda, and seven years since Claude and I (informally) adopted each other as mother and son. A lifetime of memories and experiences have passed since then. Now Claude and his girlfriend, Claudine Nzayisenga, are pregnant and expecting a baby of their own.

How it started

When I first met Claude, he was 15 years old and barely spoke English. He was one of 100 kids I met at the orphanage that day.

Three years later, when I was finally able to return, Claude introduced himself and told me that he remembered me. He didn't think I would come back, because none of the foreigners who visited the orphanage ever came back. 

I was in Rwanda for two months on a second visit in 2013, and spent most of my time at the orphanage. Claude's English had improved by then and he was often asked to help with translation, so we got to spend a lot of time together.

I remember when I first asked him about the dreams he had for his life. He told me about wanting to be a businessman and a photographer, but mostly he said he wanted to help others the same way he had been helped. 

I realized then, that we had the same heart. Later, as we got to know each other more, we learned we had both lost our moms when we were four years old. We have both always felt that our connection was destined. 

Together, Claude and I had dreams of him coming to Canada for school, which I spent years fighting for — unfortunately, without success. In 2017 when we were denied a study visa for the fourth, we knew that we needed to shift our focus to his life there, and that would mean continuing to live apart.

The disappointments were hard, and once we ran out of options, I knew it was time to return for a visit. I don't get to see Claude as often as I'd like, but lately, I had been returning each year to make a documentary film about how the country is healing since the 1994 genocide against the Tutsi. 

Separate but connected

Sometimes people wonder what our relationship looks like, and how we maintain it from across the world. Claude and I chat online pretty much every day. We talk about normal things like school, life, relationships, and challenges. He comes to me for advice on pretty much everything.

When he and Claudine moved in together, we even had "the talk" about safe sex and birth control. There are many times when I'm surprised by the things he doesn't know, because he never had anyone there to ask. 

It's so hard being across the world sometimes — harder when I know he is struggling. Aside from not having a family or home and trying to support himself, he got malaria (twice!) was living with chronic stomach problems, and more recently, a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.

I'll be honest: sometimes it's hard knowing how to be a mom and support Claude from here. It definitely feels like a delicate balance between giving support and trying to help him become a man who can support himself — and now a family of his own. 

Claude is not some kid who lives across the world and who I help every once in a while. We built a bond because we are more the same than different.- Julie Epp

I've given a lot of thought over the years to the white saviour complex. I know that is not what this is. Claude is not some kid who lives across the world and who I help every once in a while. We built a bond because we are more the same than different. He's my son who happens to be Black and live in Rwanda. I happen to be white and live in Canada. But our relationship and our connection is very real. And he's my family.

Sometimes the help he needs is financial, but more often it's all kinds of other regular mom things, like advocating for him and helping find the resources he needed when he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Or helping him write a resume and encouraging him to stay positive when there's no work to be found. Or journeying together back to the village where he was born. And lately, we talk a lot about him becoming a dad.

Usually, we manage pretty well with the physical separation, because it's all we have ever known. But it's harder when there are challenges. I worry about him often from over here, especially right now with the baby coming and complications throughout the pregnancy. 

I'm sad not knowing when I'll be able to return to see them and meet the new baby. I didn't get to be there for the first 15 years of Claude's life, so it's really important to me to build a strong relationship with my granddaughter.

Once she is born, sometime in the next month, I know it's going to be even harder to be this far away. But we are family, so we will find a way.