Her mother stayed with the man who abused her. Today, she helps other victims of childhood sexual assault
Survivor has dedicated her career to helping child victims navigate criminal justice system
WARNING: This article may affect those who have experienced sexual violence or know someone affected by it.
Andrea Skinner, daughter of renowned Canadian author Alice Munro, revealed last summer that she was molested by her stepfather, Gerald Fremlin — and that her late mother remained with Fremlin after he pleaded guilty to indecent assault.
The news rocked the literary world. But Robin Heald of Collingwood, Ont., was not among the shocked.
That's because, in many ways, her life mirrored Skinner's. Robin's stepfather, Glen Calvin Young, sexually assaulted Robin and her sisters for many years. Unlike Munro's husband, he eventually served time in prison.
Robin and one of her sisters, Heather Morrison, maintain a relationship with their mother, Shirley Young, even though she failed to protect them from her husband, and took him back after he served time.
Shirley lived with Glen until his death earlier this month.
CBC Radio producer John Chipman spoke to the three women about what the sisters went through, Shirley's reasons for staying, and Robin's work to help other survivors of childhood sexual assault.
The abuse
Shirley had five children — four daughters and a son. Robin, born in 1969, is the youngest. For most of her childhood, the family lived in Smiths Falls, Ont., about 78 kilometres southwest of Ottawa.
In 1972, when Robin was three, her parents separated and her mother moved them to an apartment. That's when the man who would become their stepfather entered the picture.
Robin says the abuse began almost immediately. "I was sexually abused quite significantly for many years."
Glen was also abusing her sisters.
Robin says it wasn't until 1981 that her eldest sister, Heather, told a relative what was happening.
Systemic failures
Though the abuse was reported to the local child protection agency, neither Glen nor the kids were removed from the home, and no charges were laid.
Instead, Shirley and Glen signed agreements with child protection services. He agreed to "terminate all sexual behaviour" with his stepchildren, while she agreed to report any suspicions of sexual abuse.
But little changed.
CBC Radio reviewed documents showing that, about two and a half years later, in the presence of a child protection worker and her mother, Robin told a police officer that Glen had been having sexual intercourse with her "once a month" for "a couple of years."
CBC Radio contacted the Smiths Falls Police Service to ask why charges weren't laid. In a statement, a spokesperson said the organization was unable to comment due to the historical nature of the case.
CBC Radio also contacted Family and Children's Services of Lanark, Leeds and Grenville. An official said the agency couldn't comment for privacy reasons, but did note there have been many changes to child welfare services in Ontario over the past four decades.
Heather says there were times the children weren't fully honest with child protection because their mother and stepfather were in the room.
"We would just sit there like perfect little puppets because we were more afraid of the repercussions afterwards," she said.
Why Shirley didn't leave
Shirley says it was financial insecurity that made her stay with Glen, because she felt she couldn't make it on her own and didn't have anywhere else to go.
"That was the only excuse I got," she said, noting she'd already had to start over with five children after leaving their father.
"I couldn't do it again," she said, "I know it sounds crazy, but it's the only way I could think at the time."
Robin says she's come to believe her mother chose to focus on making sure there was food on the table.
"In her perspective, that was providing for us, as opposed to protecting," said Robin. "She didn't have the capacity to see that there was a possibility for both."
But there are layers to Shirley's story.
She says when she was just three, she was sexually abused by a nine-year-old boy who was a friend of the family. Later, starting when she was nine, she says she was also assaulted by a relative for a number of years.
Then there's Shirley's relationship with the father of her children, Charlie Morrison, now deceased. In the late '50s, Shirley's mother got a job as a live-in nanny for the children Morrison had with his first wife. When Shirley was 13, she and her mom moved in with him
Morrison was in his late 30s.
"A pedophile. That's what he was," Shirley said. "Charlie was messing around with me."
The sexual abuse eventually resulted in her becoming pregnant for the first time at age 20.
Asked how — given the abuse Shirley endured — she could end up in a relationship with another abuser who caused the same harm to her own daughters, Shirley said she didn't know.
"That's the nature of generational trauma," said Robin. "Mom isn't the only woman who has gone from a traumatized childhood to traumatized adult relationship after traumatized adult relationship. And so many never break that cycle."
Nazanin Moghadami, a clinical counsellor from Burnaby, B.C., where she runs the Nabat Health Center, says this bears out both in research and what she sees while conducting trauma therapy.
People have different responses to violence, says Moghadami. One is to convince themselves the abuse is normal.
For instance, if a mother was abused as a child, she may have just tried to tolerate it. Then, later, if her children tell her they've been abused, Moghadami says the question in her mind might be "'Well, why can't you just go about living a normal life and pretend this is not a big deal, because I managed to make this not a big deal.'"
Breaking away
When she was about 16, Robin says she started dreaming of a future outside her abusive home. With the goal of attending university, Robin started working full time at a donut shop in addition to attending high school. That schedule led to conflict with her mother and stepfather.
"They felt that if I was not doing all of my chores every day as expected, that I shouldn't live there," said Robin.
Getting kicked out was a turning point, she says. Her school guidance counsellor connected her with a woman who rented rooms and became Robin's mentor.
When Robin was in university, she and her sisters decided to go back to the police.
This time, Glen was charged with nine sex offences, ranging from gross indecency to sexual assault and sexual intercourse. He cut a deal with the Crown and pleaded guilty to four offences.
On April 29, 1991, he was sentenced to two years less a day in prison, plus three years probation.
In the weeks before his death on July 1, CBC Radio requested an interview with Glen. He declined.
The relationship today
While Glen was in prison, Robin and her siblings told their mother she had to choose between them and her husband.
When he was released, Shirley chose Glen. Robin says their contact with their mother dropped off to "almost nothing for several years."
Among the siblings, only Robin and Heather have a relationship with their mother now, though Robin says they don't go out of their way to see her.
When they happen to be in town, they'll take Shirley to her favourite restaurant, Swiss Chalet.
Heather describes her relationship with her mother as superficial.
"Talking about knitting is a safe subject, and that's probably all I've really chatted with her about over the past five years."
Moving forward and breaking the cycle
Robin says she's worked hard to build something positive out of her traumas.
She's the executive director of the Child Witness Centre, an advocacy and support agency in Kitchener, Ont., which helps kids and their caregivers navigate the criminal justice system and understand their rights.
"There's a lot of wait time in this process, and this is the room that's hopefully that comfy, cosy, welcoming place for them to recuperate," said Robin during a tour of the facility.
The organization has a therapy dog named Monet and a remote testimony room so children can testify in a space that's less intimidating than court.
In her personal life, Robin says she waited to have her children — now 18 and 20 — until she was certain she could break the cycle of abuse and violence.
She says she's made it her mission to "make lemonade out of it, for me personally, in victim services and in the life of my family and every future generation of my family to ensure that this cycle of trauma ends."
"It absolutely ends with me."
If you're in immediate danger or fear for your safety or that of others around you, please call 911. For support in your area, you can look for crisis lines and local services via the Ending Sexual Violence Association of Canada database.