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The Current Transcript for December 24, 2019

Host: Nil Koksal

STORIES FROM THIS EPISODE

Prologue

[Music: Theme]

SOUNDCLIP

VOICE: It's really stunning. I mean, it's made of wool. It's like satin. Tuck the beard out of the way too. Snap the collar and then it's just finishing touches.

NIL KOKSAL: Who said not a creature was stirring? It is Christmas Eve day, and that means Santa suiting up, getting ready for the busiest night of his year. He's not the only one who's working the night shift tonight. Throughout the show, we're going to check in with people across the country who'll be burning the midnight oil while the rest of us settle in with friends and family. We'll also hear about the magic and mystery of the human body.

SOUNDCLIP

VOICE: If you took all the DNA in your body and made it into a single fine strand, it would stretch for 10 billion miles, which would take you beyond Pluto. So there's enough of you to leave the solar system.

NK: Author, Bill Bryson on the body coming up in an hour. But we're starting in the emergency room with the night shift before Christmas and all that it brings. A note of caution: the stories we'll hear in this half hour may not be to everyone's tastes. I'm Nil Koksal, and this is the Christmas Eve day edition of The Current.

Doctor-turned-comedian dishes on some of the unbelievable things he witnessed working Christmas shifts

Guests: Adam Kay

SOUNDCLIP

VOICE: You see, maybe it's because Christmas is a hard time for people. Maybe it's because too many families get together, but statistically, Christmas Eve, it's one of the worst nights of the year to be on call

[Christmas carol]

CHOIR: On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a drunk who drove into a tree. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, two shattered skulls and a drunk who drove into a tree. Twelve beaten children, eleven drive-by shootings, ten frozen homeless, nine amputations, eight burn victims, seven strangled shoppers, six random knifings, five suicides, four beaten wives, three ODs, two shattered skulls and drunk who drove in to a tree.

NK: So some darker than usual holiday music there from the TV series, Scrubs. The fictional hospital staffers on that show knew that sometimes a laugh, even a morbid one, can be the best medicine. In real life, Adam Kay knows that Scrubs scenario isn't too far from the truth. The British comedian and author was also a doctor for seven years. Kay found success with his first book, This is Going to Hurt: secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor. His latest is titled, Twas the Night Shift Before Christmas. And Adam Kay joins me from our studio in London, England. Hi, Adam.

ADAM KAY: Hi. How are you?

NK: I'm well, thanks. How did you, did you identify with that Scrubs christmas carol?

ADAM KAY: I did, but happily on this side of the pond, we have less of a problem with the drive-by shootings.

NK: That's one thing to be pleased about, I suppose. How many Christmases did you spend looking after patients in a hospital ward?

ADAM KAY: So I worked as a doctor for seven years. Of those seven years, I worked six Christmases. So I only got to see my family for one of them. So it wasn't all bad.

NK: Of all the difficult and sad places to be during Christmas, a hospital, I would put very, very high on a list. But what is it really like to spend that holiday with people who are ill?

ADAM KAY: To be honest, it's often extremely busy, so you forget you know what day of the year it is. So it's like when you come out of the cinema and it's still light or you wake up from a 30 year coma, you know, when you get home and remember, it's actually Christmas. It's much the same. There's more chocolates on the wards. There's a lot more alcohol consumed. So there's an uptick in things like objects in orifices and all that sort of stuff.

NK: Alcohol not consumed by the doctors. Let's underline that.

ADAM KAY: Oh, yeah. Ideally just by the patients. Plus all that fairy light electrocutions and other seasonal injuries. But I worked in obstetrics and gynecology. I worked on labour wards and, you know, babies don't really care if it's December the 25th of March the 25th. So they're just still going to come out.

NK: Yeah. As someone who's worked in news the nightshift before Christmas, on Christmas, I can relate to some of that, though, much less blood, generally, as you write those stories. But describe what it was like on that very first shift. You're a new doctor, you land on this very difficult day to work.

ADAM KAY: My first Christmas was actually reasonably memorable because much like babies don't care what day of the year it is, nor does the Grim Reaper. And I found myself sitting in a side room having, you know, "the chat" with a distressed family about their gran. And, you know, it's bad news is never easy to hear. It's never particularly easy to deliver either. So I was sitting down and explaining it that granny was outnumbered by bacteria in her bloodstream to the tune of several billion to one. And there was only one way this could end. And I was fairly, fairly new at breaking bad news, but I knew the sort of things to do sort of in terms of the language you use. And I was leaning forward to sort of I didn't show empathy. And as I leaned forward, I leant on my tie, which was a seasonal tie. And underneath Rudolph's red nose and then underneath the pressure of my elbow was a button that activated a a speaker to blast out a tinny rendition of Jingle Bells.

NK: Oh, no.

ADAM KAY: And I was jabbing at my abdomen to try and stop it, but all I succeeded in doing is restarting the tune. So I eventually ran out to the nursing station, when I got back in the room, one of the daughters was in a laughing fit and everyone else was smiling. So maybe there is an easier way to deliver bad news after all.

NK: How relieved were you after that?

ADAM KAY: Very. I saw my medical licence flash before my eyes.

NK: I bet. That's just one of the anecdotes that are in your book. It's full of them. One that stands out to me and that I've told about three people immediately after reading it, was the guy who wrapped himself in tinfoil as part of a Christmas dinner. What was that about?

ADAM KAY: Oh yeah. So this was a guy who was going to a Christmas party and he decided to go as a Christmas turkey. So he got got the tin foil and wrapped his arms, legs, torso and hands and all of that, couple of eye holes and a mouth hole, and dispatched himself over to the party as a turkey. He hadn't run this costume past anyone with common sense, clearly, because he eventually collapsed, having dehydrated himself to the human equivalent of a cracker and ended up in my hospital for intravenous rehydration. So let that be a public service message to all listeners.

NK: Yes. Definitely do not try that at home. I don't know why it would occur to you in the first place. Was he sheepish afterwards?

ADAM KAY: Yes, very, very much so. Lots of patients, sort of, particularly when objects have appeared in places, tend to lie and sort of pretend it was an accident. But once you've well, if you've covered yourself in tinfoil, there's no disguising what happened.

NK: Not an accident. You didn't just fall into a roll of aluminium foil. You mentioned the tie incident. On your second Christmas, you were with an expectant mother. This one, my heart actually stopped when I was reading it. You essentially frightened her beyond belief. Take us through that.

ADAM KAY: Oh, yes. Oh, this wasn't my finest moment. So I don't know that the term for it in Canada, but we call it a sonicaid. It's the little, it's like a little device. You put the probe on the timing clinic and it goes out woosh woosh and you hear a baby's heartbeat. One of those things. And I was in clinic and I put this on the woman's abdomen and turned it on and nothing, and I waas sort of playing with the on off switch and I said obviously, the batteries had gone. So I said, I'm really sorry. I think this one's dead.

NK: Oh no.

ADAM KAY: The sonicaid! The sonicaid! Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, that was, doctors always have to be very careful with their language.

NK: With their language and their demeanour. What was her reaction? I assume the blood drained from her face, but it sounds like you recovered quickly.

ADAM KAY: Yes, I retrieved it just in time. But as a doctor, you have to as you say, the demeanour is important. You have to always maintain a poker face. However good or bad I was as a doctor, I was excellent at poker. I could always give my face looking like whatever my legs were doing underneath the water.

NK: Those stories, I think if anyone had a list of most bizarre things that happened to them at work, those would all be at the very top. But is there an even more bizarre patient story that happened during your holiday shifts?

ADAM KAY: Oh, goodness me. That's like asking me to choose a favourite child. There are significant numbers of things that people have done. And I just worry how many of them are broadcastable. I mean, there was a woman who took a string of fairy lights and put them internally and switched them on.

NK: Oh, my.

ADAM KAY: Causing a series of internal burns. And it brings new meaning to the phrase, "I put the Christmas lights up myself," I guess. And I mean anything from — I mean, fairies have gone up there from the top of the Christmas tree, also candy canes.

NK: Yeah. Things that you wouldn't need a warning clearly.

ADAM KAY: Yes.

NK: You know, people often say to their children about going to the doctor, don't worry, it's nothing he or she hasn't seen before. It sounds like that's kind of true.

ADAM KAY: Oh, it's absolutely true. So sometimes I'll be at an event and I'll read up one of these stories and then afterwards I'm signing books or something, people will say, oh, did that. did that really happen with a fairy lights? Or something like that. I'll say, yeah, yeah. Weirdly, it did. But doctors never say that. Doctors come up to me after events and say, "that's nothing. Here's my top ten mad things patients have decided that belong inside themselves." But yeah, never be embarrassed to speak to a doctor about something. It's not going to be the weirdest thing they've seen. It's not even going to be the weirdest thing they've seen that day. I can promise you.

NK: Well, that's a relief. That's a relief. When did you decide to become a doctor?

ADAM KAY: Oh, that's a good question. I don't know if I ever really decided at all. I was I came from a family of doctors. I went to the sort of school that churns out lots of doctors. And it's a decision you make in the UK when you're a teenager. It's an undergraduate degree. So you're choosing when you're 16, 17, and that's a very bad age to decide to do anything, let alone what you want to do for the rest of your life. So I guess I just sort of stumbled into it because I didn't have an idea of something I actively wanted to do. And so as a result, I mean, I don't think I understood the toll that the job takes on people. And ultimately that was that was an issue because I did struggle with some of the human side of the job.

NK: Yeah. All of the joking aside, the reality of what you face on a daily basis, I can imagine weighs on folks. But when one was the moment that you said this isn't the right career path for me?

ADAM KAY: I was working is the term we use as a senior registrar. So it's, I wasn't quite an attending, but I was those of a year or so off as the most senior person working on a labour ward and only ever want as a labour ward doctor is a healthy mum and a healthy baby. And it was one of those awful occasions that through no one's fault, just through awful circumstance, we ended up with with neither of those things. And the feeling at work, everyone's like, oh, no - it was like I said, I'd sprained my ankle or something. Oh, no, that's awful. You all right? But obviously, you can still do antenatal clinic tomorrow, right? I mean, there's no slack in the system. There's no acknowledgment really in the profession that doctors are allowed to struggle and that they're human. And ultimately, I realized that I couldn't face that kind of thing ever happening to me ever again. It totally knocked the stuffing out of me. And I realized that I was in the wrong profession.

NK: You found great success and happiness, it seems, as a comedian and an author. Do you ever miss your previous life?

ADAM KAY: I miss it hugely. I miss the fact that, you know, that it's the reason that you go into the job in the first place ultimately is to help people. And, you know, when you're driving back home for hours late, still got placenta in your hair and you sort of you've got the radio blaring just so you can stay awake and you've wound the window down in the car. You've still got a smile on your face because you did a good thing. And as important and valuable as the arts are, and as much as I love what I'm doing now, it's so many steps removed from saving a mum's life or a baby's life. So, yeah, I do. I do hugely miss it.

NK: Your stories in your book obviously are from your experiences in the UK. But have you heard from fdoctors outside of the UK about the stories you've told?

ADAM KAY: Yes, I mean, I thought that I was writing a very particular parochial story about the life of an NHS doctor. But from the moment that the book came out, I started getting e-mails from doctors in you know, in Chad and Romania and Belarus and Venezuela saying, you know, this could have been set in my hospital. And very soon the book started getting translated into other language. Just think it's now in 39 languages. And it made me realize that the experience of being a doctor, the fact that doctors don't like to acknowledge that they're human and that's something that they need to get better at. Seems to habe got a universal thing. Plus, presumably everyone likes disgusting stories.

NK: Yes, there is a universality in that. On a more serious note though, you know, we just had a conversation on the program earlier this week about E.R. closures in parts of this country, particularly rural communities, small communities, where people have to drive, you know, an hour just to get emergency care. What's been your experience abou the stresses on emergency room doctors?

ADAM KAY: In the NHS, as I think in almost every country at the moment, there's this huge stress on the on the health care system here. Funding is the tightest it's ever been. It's the system is stretched atom thin and ultimately when doctors are overworked, nurses, midwives are overworked. They're the ones who, you know, who take the to take the strain. They suffer a lot sooner than patients suffer. And as a result, in the UK, there have been no nurses working on wards with 50 percent staffing doctors carrying two or three bleep as doing two or three people's jobs. I mean, we've we've all been in a situation where someone's away and you're doing their job and you can do that for a bit. You can't do that indefinitely. And so there's a lot of a lot of burnout. And now in the UK, in emergency rooms, waiting times are the highest they've they've ever been. There are various targets. They try to meet about seeing patients within four hours. Now, there is not a single major hospital in the UK that's hitting that targets.

NK: Have you, you know, you talked about other people who have written and told you that they can relate and they thought the book was hilarious. Obviously, it's a successful, you've had success with the book, but is there anyone who's written who recognized themselves or thought it was, thought you were making light of something too serious?

ADAM KAY: So, yes, I mean, we're very careful with the legality of the book. I mean, we sent the book to a lawyer and the other legal read was about as long as the book, you know, making sure I changed names and dates and places. But I did have one email that came through about a year ago that said I was in your book and my sort of heart obviously sort of stopped for a while. And it was the story I told of I was doing a caesarean section, takes two people to do the caesarean. One to sort of do the do the business, the other person. So to retract and things like that. And in the absence of another doctor, the second person was a medical student in this case. And it was first thing in the morning. He was a bit hung over, I suspect. And I don't know how many people have seen a caesarean, but it's an assault on the senses. There isn't just all the blood and the guts that you can see. There's the the sound of suction from the blood that smell as well, because you stop bleeding by using electricity to burn blood vessels, which smells like bacon, to be honest. It's not a great scenario to be in when you're hung over. Anyway this guy fainted. Fainted, face planted into the open abdomen. And you know we apologized to the patient, gave her some antibiotics, hauled this guy out. Anyway, so he emailed to say, did this happen often to you? Because if it only happened once, I'm pretty sure that was me. And it was him, but he is now a consultant anaesthetist, you know, and we've sort of decided between us that neither one of us would reveal who it was.

NK: The shock and horror, the expressions of people in our studio, if only you could see. If only you could see it.

ADAM KAY: Probably nothing compared to the expression on the mum's face when that happened.

NK: Absolutely. I can only imagine. Before we let you go, a lot of people in the medical profession are going to be working in Canada this Christmas. Do you have any advice for them? A message or best ways for them to get through that night shift before Christmas?

ADAM KAY: Just eat as much chocolate as you can. The patients in general are very bad at saying thank you to their staff, you know, because you go in hospital, it's a stressful time. All you want to do is get out and get home. But at Christmas, people are much better at acknowledging that you probably don't want to be there as much as they don't. So good luck. I worked a lot of them and you can do it too.

NK: You might get some stories out of it. Adam Kay, thanks so much for your time.

ADAM KAY: Thank you so much and have a great Christmas.

NK: Adam Kay's new book is called, Twas the Night Shift Before Christmas. His first book was This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor. He joined us from our studio in London, England.

[Music]

The CBC News is next. Then.

SOUNDCLIP

VOICE: So how long does the Santafication process take? First time it took about two hours. Just because it's still relatively new to me and I'm learning as I go.

NK: Becoming Santa, our documentary about one Ottawa man's transformation into a certain jolly old saint. That is up in about six minutes time. I'm Nil Koksal and you're listening to The Current.

[Music: Theme]

Becoming Santa: Ottawa man carries on legacy of vintage red suit

NK: Hi, I'm Nil Koksal, and you're listening to The Current.

[Music: Theme]

NK: Still to come.

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VOICE: Why do we yawn? Why do we have chins? We evolve them for some reason, but nobody knows why. And it's just the whole body is just a world mystery.

NK: Author Bill Bryson has explored Britain, the United States and the history of nearly everything in his books. And now he's turned his attention to the mystery we all walk around in every day, the body.

[Music]

NK: We've heard from an emergency room doctor, and in a minute we'll hear from Santa himself or at least one of his helpers. But another person who'll be busy on this night before Christmas is L. David, who manages the West End 24-Hour Safe Space for youth in Winnipeg. It is a place where young people can rest their heads and have a hot meal and it's staying open every night over the holidays.

SOUNDCLIP

VOICE: Well, right now, we're walking through the hallway to the gym where the kids can set up a mat and they can grab a blanket. Can be kids who, you know, don't always have a safe place at home or during the holidays. A lot of relatives are over and there's like bigger parties, bigger people coming around. And so they show up and while they may have a place to stay, it feels safer here. And then there's the other group of youth who we don't have anywhere to go and they just get excited that their regular place that they stay is like, you know, we have a tablecloth out. We have a little something extra that night. I want to work over the holidays because my family history is complicated. And a lot of folks like that come here are in similar or if not the same boats as me. And for me, working overnights kind of saved me from like sitting at home and being like, you know, really sad or lonely. And, you know, it seems like maybe a selfish reason, but it also is just they change my life and a lot of ways. You know, and so I want to be there for them too.

NK: Voices from the West End 24-Hour Safe Space for youth in Winnipeg. Their doors will be open tonight.

[Music]

SOUNDCLIP

VOICE: The pants are very long and the coat is very long as well and it's very ample, in addition to my own natural padding, I add the extra padding. I have to tuck the beard of the way to snap the collar. It's very much a Santa suit.

NK: Ottawa's Michael Morin is getting used to his role as Santa Michael, bringing Christmas cheer to people most in need in the nation's capital. Morin is a lifelong public servant nearing retirement. Two years ago, Michael took on a new role and now each Christmas, he gets dressed up in a vintage Santa costume with a special lineage. Its first owner was Jimmy Lomax from Hamilton, Ontario, who was inducted into the Order of Canada for his decades of charitable work as Santa Jimmy. Well now Santa Michael is learning to carry on that legacy. The Current's producer, Kristin Nelson, met up with Michael Morin when he first wore the suit in 2017. This is her documentary, Becoming Santa.

SOUNDCLIP

[Sound: Knocking on door]

VOICE: Oh. Hey it's very festive in here.

MICHAEL MORIN: Yes I started it actually a little earlier than usual. Put up the new Christmas tree and the decorations, new stuff, old stuff, stuff I painted myself. Like a cookie jar right there. Now I finish my face before I start getting dressed. And like I said the suit is really warm so that goes on last. It's really stunning. I mean it's made of wool. It's lined with satin. It's trimmed in sheepskin. I figure it's about 45 years old. I don't know the exact age of it but I noticed Larry had it since I think about 2010.

[Music]

MYKE HUTCHINGS: My name is Myke Hutchings. I'm a musician from Hamilton, Ontario and Santa Larry Lantz was my husband. I used to joke that our house was the island of misfit toys because you'd go there and there'd be the oddest assortment of people that Larry met just, you know, lost souls who needed someone to talk to or someone to listen to them and that was basically who Larry was. He was head of a charity called Santa Canada which provided hospital visits or hospice visits or home visits for children with terminal disease year round. For several years he was actually in Hamilton the official Center for Autism Ontario. And he would do low stimulus visits with Santa. Well Larry and I always enjoyed having households filled with people so we threw house concerts in our house. Our living room is quite large and we also have a beautiful backyard with a deck and everything. So during the summer months we'd have the concerts out on the back deck.

MICHAEL MORIN: We did a house concert at [unintelligible] husband's house and that evening we met Larry and on the front porch of their house Larry told us about the work he did and that was the only conversation I ever had with Larry was about him in his work. And I was fascinated.

MYKE HUTCHINGS: Larry was in between chemotherapy treatments. He was declared tumor free at the time but things were not quite right. So Larry was very quiet that night. And Michael tends to be a very quiet very private individual too. So they just sort of gravitated towards each other. I had a household filled with people. A household filled with big brash personalities and Michael and Larry just sort of connected that night.

MICHAEL MORIN: Of course it left an impression. I thought it was wonderful work that he did.

[Music]

MYKE HUTCHINGS: By the time the evening was done Larry was very very tired and I actually had to physically carry him up to bed. Then the next day I called the oncology team and said hey look we need to see a doctor soon because things are good here. It was six weeks after they met that Larry passed away. And on his deathbed we had the will but there was just a number of items that were not covered in the will. And I just sort of said what do you want me to do with all the Santa stuff. We had multiple suits, we had boots, we had belts. You know basically all the ephemera one would expect the jolly old elf to carry with him at any given time. And he outlaid you know specific things and then one of the last things he said I want you to keep the Jimmy Lomax suit and give it to Michael Morin when he's ready.

MICHAEL MORIN: I only found out about the suit basically two years after he died. Based on the little conversation we had on that front porch he basically chose me.

JIM LOMAX: You got to do it for the children you've got to give them faith. You give the parents hope.

ANNOUNCER: Yes Virginia Santa Claus is a steelworker. His name is Jim Lomax.

MYKE HUTCHINGS: The suit was first owned by Jimmy Lomax and he was Hamilton's official Santa for decades.

JIM LOMAX: I wanted to be a Santa Claus when I grew up.

ANNOUNCER 1: A dream he pursued while he worked for close to 38 years at Hamilton Stelco plant.

ANNOUNCER 2: This Santa visits places like hospitals and nursing homes.

ANNOUNCER 1: In 2002 he retired to become a full time Kris Kringle.

JIM LOMAX: Makes me feel great.

ANNOUNCER 1: I've actually seen some patients the most happiest they've ever been.

JIM LOMAX: You get up to heaven the good Lord isn't going to say how much money you have in a bank. We invest in people.

MYKE HUTCHINGS: Jimmy ran a organization called Operation Santa Claus and he would fundraise for the entire year for children who were in hospitals, children who were in abject poverty and he would provide a Christmas for these children. You know he was size 6XL towards the end of his life and his heart was just as big. It was just incredible. When Jimmy got too sick to run the charity and also got too sick to be Santa Claus he reached out to Larry and Larry's friends Santa Bob and just basically asked us to help them carry on the charity and spirit of Christmas for him. So that suit is the one that Larry wore towards the end of his life. So it's nice to see the legac of Larry. It's nice to see the legacy of Jimmy Lomax continuing on in a new city and with a new heart behind it.

[Music]

MICHAEL MORIN: Earlier this morning I started what Tim Allen call the Santafication process. My beard is still a little bit salt and pepper so it needs a bit of help to really look authentic. So I use theatrical hairpins.

KRISTIN NELSON: So how long does the Santafication process take?

MICHAEL MORIN: First time it took about two hours just because it's still relatively new to me and I'm learning as I go. All right . So next is Padding. I do have a bit already but my doctor wants me to get rid of that so. The suit was made for Jimmy and Jimmy was not a small man. He also had a very endearing face which is what enabled him to portray Santa so genuinely and he had a big heart.

MYKE HUTCHINGS: I began seeing what Larry meant by one Michael is ready give him the suit.

MICHAEL MORIN: I do remember that when we came home, that's all I could talk about with my friends and co-workers that I met this wonderful person that did this amazing work dressed as Santa Claus.

MYKE HUTCHINGS: You just began seeing things in Michael's demeanor and how he was changing dressing differently and had grown out his beard to be a little bit fuller. And he began twisting his moustache into the handlebar shape. And then I messaged him and just sort of said 'so when you're ready I've got some stuff here at the house for you.' And he immediately knew what I talk was talking about.

MICHAEL MORIN: Honestly I was in tears. I was on the bus heading to work and I was in tears. That day December 23 it is the anniversary of my father's death. He passed away in 2003. Being Two days before Christmas. It was it was really hard and my father was always a big fan of Christmas. He would put up lights everywhere and I do mean everywhere. And I have really amazing memories of Christmas because of my dad stuff that he would do. He would actually go on the roof and make the sleigh tracks and reindeer footprints and stomp around so that we'd be in the bedroom below and we could hear stuff. Christmas really holds a special place in my heart. It always has. And. Doing this now is you know even more special.

MYKE HUTCHINGS: I was actually overjoyed to see the suit being used. I knew that the bug had bitten him when he tried on the suit. And I gave him time. You know I went down to visit with the other folks in the house and just sort of said 'take what time if you want to try it on go ahead' and he came down with the suit bag that had everything in it. He came down the box that had everything in it and he came down with tears in his eyes. It was a definite connection that went a lot deeper than you know the suit fits. It's a state of heart I think is the best way I can describe it.

MICHAEL MORIN: I guess more and more the part a couple of weeks ago my mom and I were at Costco and we just walk by this mother with the young child sitting on the carts, child was about two and a half years old, and she just looked at me walk by and said 'Ho Ho Ho'. That's all she said and I really liked that. I really embrace that I - At first I didn't know how to react but now I'm just rolling with it and just having fun. And you know they think it is Santa. So I love it. Next I need to put a little makeup on my face just to make my cheeks little red and my lips a little darker. I do have to be careful to go really really like.

KRISTIN NELSON: You made sure to get the cherry nose. I see.

MICHAEL MORIN: Yes exactly. To make sure that I look like I've just come off the sleigh. So next I need to put the boots on and I need to tuck the pants inside. I add these boot toppers and voila instant Santa boots. [Music] I sometimes get very emotional. I don't know if you can see on the wall there beside my nightstand there's a picture of me sitting on Santa's lap. I found that photo above 15 years ago at my parents basement. So now it's framed beside my bed. My own memories of Christmas are so amazing that if I can bring that to people in general, yes I do want to focus on you know children and in hospital and stuff like that, but you know any occasion is a great occasion to bring the Christmas spirit. So I will be going to visit this child 11 years old, who will be at home and who has severe health issues that the family doesn't know if he'll make it to Christmas or not. I'm told that he loves to have stories for bed times. So I have a collection of Christmas books that I'll bring along and read to him and spend quality time. When I first found out about the suit, I knew right away that I wanted to do this to follow in Larry's footsteps. And yes I was nervous at the thought of doing those kinds of visits. But now that it's happening, the nervousness isn't there. I'm actually really looking forward to it. I know it will be emotional but it just feels right. I knew the suit belonged to Larry but when I found out where it originally came from. I got really humbled by the whole thing and to to think that I'm following in the footsteps of these great Santas, these great people. Yes I do feel that I'm part of their legacy. [Music] The beard of the way to snap the color and then it's just finishing touches. [Sounds: Bells] One of the last things is the clouds. These also came from Larry, they're white leather gauntlets. I may or may not wear these generic reading glasses from the dollar store and when I saw those I said 'okay those are meant for Santa'. So basically that's it. That's... I'm ready to go.

Lynn: Hello Mr. Santa. How are you?

MICHAEL MORIN: Good, how are you?

Lynn: Good. Ho Ho Ho I'm sure the residents will be all happy. My name is when I'm the director of Care. This home is a home with people in special needs. There are schizophrenic people.

Suzanne: We are like a big family here.

Lynn: And that is Suzanne.

Suzanne: Yes.

Lynn: She's my assistant.

Suzanne: Shall we go up?

MICHAEL MORIN: Ho Ho Ho. [Chatter] I have to say normally I'm a very introverted person and very shy, very reserved. I'm the type that in a crowd. I will watch and observe. I'm more of a one on one conversation.

Lynn: Okay. Guys come on. Have a seat.

MICHAEL MORIN: But when I put the suit on and I go into a crowd I start being more. Low more extroverted. I go up to people because people are drawn to me when I'm dressed this way. And so it's easier to make contact.

VOICE 1: Hey Santa.

MICHAEL MORIN: Hey. How are you doing? [Chatter] I'm not one of those loud boisterous Santas. You know there are some and those are great kids who enjoy that too but that's not who I am. I'm a little quieter. I still do the usual Santa things like the 'Ho Ho Ho.'

VOICE 2: Merry Christmas

MICHAEL MORIN: Merry Christmas. Ho Ho Ho. [Chatter] But now I'll be more inclined to have one on one conversations.

VOICE 3: Hi Santa Claus. I wish you a ood Christmas and a happy new year. Will you wish that to me?

MICHAEL MORIN: Yes. Absolutely. And I wish you that it's Christmas every day, even better. How about that? [Laughter] This is what it's all about. This really is what it's all about.

[French singing]

MICHAEL MORIN: Just making people smile and sing songs and just be happy.

[French singing]

MICHAEL MORIN: I think the spirit of giving is just embedded in the fibers of the suit and it's almost like a magical coat that as soon as I put it on I feel their spirit, their energy with me. And I believe that that helps propel me into this I feel them with me. [Chatter] As you may well know this is a really busy time of year for me so I'll get going.

VOICE 4: Thank you very much.

[Singing We Wish You a Merry Christmas]

MICHAEL MORIN: Thank you.

NK: That documentary Becoming Santa was produced by The Current's Kristin Nelson with help from The Current's documentary editor, Liz Hoath. Since we first broadcast that documentary, Santa Michael has expanded his work to two malls in Ottawa, and he's made his acting debut as well in the Hallmark Channel movie Christmas Scavenger Hunt. Coming up for you in our next half hour, we are going to be revisiting Laura Lynch's conversation with best-selling author Bill Bryson. His latest book is all about the wonders and mysteries of the human body. Here's musician Sufjan Stevens with his take on a holiday classic. I'm Nil Koksal nd you're listening to The Current.

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[Song: "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" by Sufjan Stevens]

Here's how much it would cost to build your very own Benedict Cumberbatch

Guests: Bill Bryson

NK: I'm Nil Koksal and you're listening to The Current.

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VOICE 1: Benedict Cumberbatch, wherever you go, you have very ardent fans.

VOICE 2: That I do. Yes.

VOICE 1: And somebody saw Benedict on location in Boston and immediately rushed home and went on to Reddit. So she writes, he's fine. He's taller than I thought. I suspect he's about 5'11, want to be 6 footer. And ripped. There's not an ounce of fat on that man. It's all muscle. Wholesome goodness. And the last paragraph is though where you just kind of think, whoa! I couldn't smell him. I really tried. Just the lightest Cumbermusk in Boston.

VOICE 2: I musk in your general direction.

NK: That is Benedict Cumberbatch, when he was on Graham Norton's talk show in the UK, reacting to a pretty specific description of himself from a fan. But it turns out it's not the most detailed analysis of the British actor. The Royal Society of Chemistry calculated the cost of the base materials that make up Benedict Cumberbatch, element by element. They were using him as an example of an average-sized man. The tally? $151,578.46 U.S. That's not including labour. I'll leave it to you to decide if that's steep or a steal, but this is just one of the fascinating facts about our physical selves that bestselling author Bill Bryson has gathered together for his latest book called, The Body: A Guide for Occupants. Bill Bryson joined Laura Lynch in our Toronto studio back in November.

LL: What was actually added together to come up with that dollar figure? Wat are we humans made of?

BILL BRYSON: Well, that was the whole idea. This is an exercise done at 2013 Cambridge Science Festival. And Benedict Cumberbatch was the guest director of the festival that year. But what it was, is they worked out if you took you know, you reduced yourself to all your basic component parts, all of the atomic elements that are in you, you know, like oxygen, nitrogen, sulphur and so on. Every human being has 59 atomic elements that comprises. And that what they did was they worked out if they went to a shop or and got all of these elements, how much it would cost. And it came to. I don't remember the U.S. dollar figure because it's in pounds.

LL: Well I'll say it again. $156,578.46.

BILL BRYSON: And the reason that I had that that was of interest to me was because I very clearly remember in junior high school in Iowa many years ago, being told by a biology teacher that all the components of a human being could be bought in a you know, in a hardware store for like $8 or $12 dollars or something. Some very trivial amount. And in fact, I'm pleased to say we're worth rather more than that.

LL: So what are the most expensive bits?

BILL BRYSON: Oh, well, the really expensive one was carbon, interestingly enough, because you would think, you know, you'd have just go off and get a bag of charcoal or something. But actually, they use purified forms of carbon in that. That costs, I think, something again, my brain is stuck on British pounds because that's what I used.

LL: Go ahead I can translate.

BILL BRYSON: 40,000 pounds I think.

LL: About $70,000 Canadian. Yeah, about that. Yeah.

BILL BRYSON: And then there are lots and lots of components in the human body are very expensive, but we have them in just traces. The interesting thing is that just six elements make up something like ninety nine point one percent of us. And what's even more interesting than that, I think, is that everything this into the stuff that, you know, that comprises a human is exactly the same stuff you would find in a pile of dirt. But in a pile of dirt, obviously, it just lies. It doesn't do anything. It's inert. And yet somehow, for reasons we really don't understand, you put them into human form and, you know, they start to reproduce and they become animate and and we get life. And and really, you know, probably the greatest mystery in in biology remains and very possibly always will remain is that how does life happen?

LL: Well, I don't have an answer to that question, but I do say that you brought us from a stratospheric price right down to earth, excuse the pun. Just before we go further, I just want to ask you, did the Royal Society actually figure out how to make a spare Benedict Cumberbatch?

BILL BRYSON: No, no, no. They were purely due to a certain hypothetical exercise to see how much it would cost to make a human being. And other people have done the same. Nova, the PBS television program in the States, did exactly identical exercise a few years ago and they came up with a figure of just one hundred sixty eight dollars us. So it obviously depends a lot of where you shop and what quality or quality of components you use that throws society chemistry. I mean, they did try to get the most valuable, the most refined products they could find, which I think is a good idea because you want to make the best human you possibly can, especially if it's going to be Benedict Cumberbatch.

LL: Right I guess we just have stick with watching the movies. So you know some people might be disappointed. So we have a good, pretty good idea now what we're made of on an elemental level. And you sort of addressed this, but how thoroughly did scientists and doctors know the human body and how it all works?

BILL BRYSON: Well, very little. I mean, really, that was something that surprised me, was how much of the human body is still a mystery to us. And partly that's understandable because it's just so complex. I mean, if you just think back just a few years, you remember when they did the Human Genome Project, it was assumed before they did that that we were going to find that there was a relationship of, you know. One gene equals one trait, and that, you know, one gene would determine your hair colour and another gene would determine your colour of your eyes and so on. Another gene, whether you were a good runner or whatever. And of course, what they found out was we have far fewer genes than they expected to find. And the way everything. Everything in your body works is by an immense combination of genes and trying to unravel all that and disentangle all of which which combinations of genes result in which attributes of a human. It's just amazingly complex. So in a sense, it's not very surprising that we still know so little about how humans are structured. I mean, we are immensely complicated devices at the same time, and there's lots and lots of other things which we don't know. I mean, quite elemental things like, you know, why do we yawn? Why? Why do we have chins? Your chin has no physiological purpose with only primates with chins. It doesn't make your jaw stronger. It doesn't help you chew or speak or do anything at all. And yet, you know, humans find chimps an attractive attribute. We evolve them for some reason, but nobody knows why. And it's just that the whole body is just a world of mystery.

LL: It really is. For those who don't study genetics, what is an example of a part of the body that many of us have misunderstandings and misconceptions about or what was the thing that most surprised you?

BILL BRYSON: Well, I think the level of complexity. I had no idea. Possibly the single most astounding fact I came across and I just you know, people say that the book is full of all these facts and is just because everything I read just amazed me and I thought, I have to put this in. But one of them was how much DNA we have in our body. You know, you have two metres of DNA in every cell in your body and so many cells in your body, 37 trillion of them, that if you took all the DNA in your body and made it into a single fine strand, it would stretch for 10 billion miles, which would take you beyond Pluto. So there's enough of you to leave the solar system. And I just think what I thought you know, so that's just one very small component of what is required in order to make you a, you know, a living, breathing, sentient organism. Everything in you is just packed full of stuff, which is, again, one reason why we're only at the very beginning of understanding it all.

LL: I was equally astounded by that thought. If we take a down though to its most basic level, what's the function of our body?

BILL BRYSON: What the function of our body is really just to provide us with a container, really the part of you that is you as your brain and all the rest is plumbing and scaffolding. I mean, you know, your dog is quite similar to you in terms of its lungs and heart and the way it works, but obviously distinguishes you from a pet is that you have this magnificent brain. And as far as we know that the human brain is the most incredible creation in the entire universe. There's nothing anywhere to touch it. I mean, obviously, there's a very good possibility that there are other intelligent beings out there, but as far as we know, there's nothing in the world that is, you know, can outdo the brain even with the greatest computers.

LL: You talked about the brain too and how much of our brains we use.

BILL BRYSON: Yeah, well, there's this myth and nobody knows where it comes from. Nobody's ever been able to track down the origin of it, but there's this common belief that I think we've all heard from a schoolteacher or somebody like that at some point, which is that we only use 10 percent of our brains, which is not true at all. We use 100 percent of it. You use all of your brain is engaged in doing something, not necessarily thinking, but just, you know, running your body and looking after all of the different processes that are necessary to keep a human upright and moving. But all of your brain is at work in one way or another.

LL: That makes me feel better.

BILL BRYSON: We don't always use it very wisely, but that's another matter.

LL: How good are we as humans using our bodies to their best ability for then and keeping them in good working order?

BILL BRYSON: Essentially we're terrible. You know, I sit here as living proof of that and it is so hard. I mean, one of the one of the extraordinary things about the body, human body is how little it needs in terms of inputs in energy in order to function. Well, your brain needs just 400 calories of energy a day, which is about the same as you get in a blueberry muffin. Try running your laptop for 24 hours on a blueberry muffin and see how far you go. And yet your brain, this magnificent creation. That's all it requires in Europe. All the other organs in your body have similarly modest requirements in terms of their energy needs. So we all eat way more than we need to because you don't actually need to put that many calories in your body to work at in an optimum way. But we evolved to really like food. We reformed in a time of want. We we evolve to appreciate plenty. And so we eat in case there's going to be a shortage somewhere down the line. But of course, nowadays we don't ever have to worry about running short of food, but we still love to eat because it's kind of an instinct for us to do so. So it's a terrible we're caught in this terrible bind, eating this a big part of almost everybody's life. And we eat too much and we don't exercise nearly enough.

LL: Not to mention other things like smoking or other things that we do that don't help us, our body's function.

BILL BRYSON: And we all know that we shouldn't do these things, but part of the problem too, is that, you know, the consequences tend to be way down the line. I mean, you ate something and it made you feel ill immediately, you would stop eating nothing. But in fact, you know, you can eat a lot of cheeseburgers and you don't have any consequence for eating those cheeseburgers until years in the future. We don't pay the price for most of us until it's too late.

LL: Let's look at it from another angle then. How good are our bodies at protecting us?

BILL BRYSON: Wonderful. I mean for all the reasons.

LL: For all the things we do to them, they still protect us.

BILL BRYSON: Yeah. I mean, I really you know, I'm 67 years old and I have to say, I spent most of those years just throwing beer and pizza down my throat. And you know living, just not living very well at all. And yet, you know, I'm still pretty healthy human being and, you know, suicide by lifestyle takes ages. You know, if you tried to kill yourself by living badly, by drinking too much or smoking or anything, it's going to take you years and years, if not decades to do it because your body protects you. It looks after you. Another extraordinary fact I came across was just blew me away was that according to a professor at Stanford, he's estimated that we all get cancer, something like in the order of five or six times a day. But several dozen times a week and couple of thousand times a year, your body gets cancer and that's because your cells, 37 trillion cells and they're constantly renewing themselves. They're reproducing. So, you know, every once in a while, something is going to go wrong and, you know, cancer is just a cell that's out of control. But your body, your immune system identifies these things before they can grow into tumours and kills them off and flushes them away before they cause you any damage. But this is just exactly the sort of thing your body's constantly doing to look after you. And right now, as we sit here and your listeners, as they said, that we're all breathing in pathogens and, you know, there's things in the air. And sometimes, of course, they make you sick and you get a cold or flu or something. But most of the time, your body protects you from all the stuff that you're taking in. And I just think it's marvellous that, you know, it looks after us so well without us really doing too much normally to look after it.

LL: You know, I gained so much respect for my body from reading the book. I want to look at some specific examples of what you learned about our bodies and that starts with something basic. As kids we learn we have five senses. How many do we really have?

BILL BRYSON: You can count it and systematize it all different ways, but at least 30 because we have, you know, the five elements of senses that we all know about with the seeing and hearing and that. But then also, you know, you have, for instance, the sense of where you are in space. You know, even when your eyes are closed, you know, whether you're sitting up or lying flat. And that's a properception. And then lots and lots of other senses.

LL: Let's look at something, one specifically, the map of our tongue shows where we taste sweet, sour, salty, bitter. How accurate is that?

BILL BRYSON: Oh, well, you know, again, certainly my school days in the 50s and 60s, we you know, I can remember having these areas of your tongue mapped out. In fact, it's not it is much messier than that. IYour taste buds are all over the place. And the interesting thing about taste is that what you can taste on your tongue is only the very basic elements, as you say, bitter, salty and so on. Real flavour is entirely a process of smell and you don't realize that until you have a cold or something and your sense of smell isn't working very well and then suddenly food doesn't have much flavour to it. But almost everything you eat, your sense of its deliciousness is not because of what you're getting on your tongue or in your mouth, it's what drifts up into your nostrils. And one consequence of that is that people who lose their sense of smell are usually just totally miserable. You know, everybody thinks that the sense of smell is a fairly minor sense that you could you know, if you had to dispense with one of your senses, you could give it up. But in fact, it I mean, I've never lost my sense of smell, but what I've learned in doing the research for the book is that people who do lose their sense of smell is a really, really miserable existence because food stops having any flavour and life just kind of loses its richness.

LL: Yes. My my uncle, 93 now, has lost his sense of smell and I can tell you that's been very difficult for him. So there's some on the ground research here.

BILL BRYSON: And there's I mean there's all kinds of other things that can happen to you. There's a condition known as cacausmia, which is where everything smells like feces. I mean, everything. So everything you put, you know, everything you eat, yeah, I mean, that can be pretty miserable, too. So if you're smelling well, just count your blessings, you know?

LL: Okay. I'm happy with that for myself. So let's talk about these things. And I for listeners, I'm holding up my two thumbs here. Much is made of the fact humans can do things that many animals can't because we have opposable thumbs. How much truth is there?

BILL BRYSON: Well, it is and it isn't. I mean, I always have to stress with this that, you know, I'm not a medical person. I'm not an anatomist. So I'm only telling you what I've learned by talking to people who are qualified. But what I do know from talking to authorities is that it's often written that humans have opposable thumbs. We've all read that somewhere before. But in fact, most primates have a possible thought, which is what it means is that your thumbs can touch all your fingers and therefore you can get a good grip. You can move your thumb. Quite a bit in a way other creatures can't. But what what is actually different about the humans, as I understand, is a three tiny muscles in there with exotic names. One of them is called the first vole or interoffice of Hendley. I remember that name. And then two others with equally exotic names. And I don't know exactly what they do, but they really do help us to manipulate our thumbs in a daft way. Which is why we can do really delicate tasks. I mean, even even the best chimpanzee could not be a jeweller or something, you know? Good thing that they don't aspire to be jewellers. Then that would be difficult. I wanted something very basic that I'd never credit. But a doctor pointed out to me is that our thumbs are actually on sideways, that your fingers lie flat. Your thumb put your hand so flat. Which is why if you're typing, you know, you strike the keys with the side of your thumb and you do it with the tips of your fingers, but you you can't type with the tip of your thumb because it's on sideways. It's pointing the wrong way.

LL: Right. I'm just thinking about that now. So are there other features that actually make us different from other animals as humans?

BILL BRYSON: Yeah. I mean, all kinds of things. I mean, we walk upright, which obviously is very distinguishing characteristic. And because we walk up out, we've had to make all kinds of bodily modifications with which sometimes have been beneficial, but very often, if not the main consequence of our operating anatomy, women feel and experience every time they give birth. They need to have hips that support your weight in such a way mean that you have women will have a very narrow birth passage and a very complicated manoeuvre that the baby has to go through to kind of get out. Some other primates can give birth in like just moments, in seconds. I mean, the baby just drops out. Essentially just falls out.

LL: Okay. Having done all of this research about our bodies, how do you see yourself differently from when you began this process?

BILL BRYSON: Oh, well, first of all, I really appreciate what my body does for me. I mean, that, you know, life is is a miracle. I mean, it really is. As a student, as I said at the very beginning of our conversation, the atoms that make you everyone else in the universe, they just lie there. They don't do anything. They make rocks and they make stars. And, you know, but they don't make animate bees and we get it. Our Adam somehow gave us life and allow us to move around. It's where we're very, very lucky. And we're the only creatures that have ever existed that really have insight and ability to appreciate and just be able to sit down and have a conversation like we're having now. So to be a human is a fantastic gift and life is short. I mean, even a good full human life only goes on for about 650,000 hours. So and you think of all the hours you wasted on watching television or just, you know, fooling around, texting and things like that. 650,000 doesn't seem terribly abundant. And yet we go through, most of us go through our lives without really doing good things for our bodies or without even just appreciating how lucky we are to have a body that looks after us. So the one thing the book has given me, the experience has given me, is just an appreciation for what a gift it is to be a human and how really we all ought to look after ourselves a bit better. Having said that, I don't, I mean, I keep intending to, but it is the hardest thing in the world.

LL: That toois being human.

BILL BRYSON: Yes. But it's really hard. Partly because I want this book to announce I'm travelling everywhere. I have to just eat when I can and, you know, I'm not able to exercise the way I want to, but I swear, as soon as I get home, I'm going to lead a virtuous life and go on a diet and exercise. It's, you know, religiously and just be a good person.

LL: We're going to check back with you on that. So you're bringing us around to talking about death and the end, which is where your book comes to the end, the natural end is death. And I'm wondering how much improvement we're seeing in health and longevity nowadays compared to developments a century ago.

BILL BRYSON: Well, you've just touched on the two slightly contradictory things, health and longevity. There's certainly longevity, you know, all over the world, especially in the advanced world in which we get to live, longevity just keeps getting better and better. I mean, lifespans get better and better. But because medical science can keep you alive longer, it doesn't necessarily mean that can keep you alive healthily longer. You know, we're not killed off by the things that used to kill us off earlier. So we can live longer lives. But it means that we're prey to other things like notably dementia and Alzheimer's. A generation or two ago, people tended to die before they before a lot of them got dementia. Now, so many people are living so long. Dementia is almost an inevitability for very high proportion of people. So that is a problem we've got is how do we keep extending life but also then extending the quality of life. And this is something that we haven't resolved. And there's no there's no real prospect yet. I mean, one of the alarming things is that Alzheimer's has been a known condition for over a century. And yet, you know, of anyone who goes to a doctor today with the symptoms of Alzheimer's, the doctors today can do no more for them than a doctor could have done in nineteen hundred. And when we have made absolutely zero progress against this terrible disease of agents. We need to have a cure for that and lots and lots of other things, otherwise a lot of people are going to be condemned to a fairly wretched final years.

LL: Another aspect of this is, as we were talking about before, about cancer. If we cured all cancers tomorrow, how much would that extend the average life?

BILL BRYSON: Oh, very little. There is a law of diminishing returns with us because we're living so long now and because cancer tends, I mean what happens is if you don't get cancer, something else will get you. I mean the one inevitability is that you will die. And so however much you stop certain things from killing you, something else will get you. But I like to think that in a slightly upbeat way. The World Health Organization lists 8000 ways a human being could die at it. I don't know they came up with all these categories, but they calculated there are 8000 ways a human being could die. And my upbeat way of looking at it is that, you know, you survive every one of them except one. There's just, you know, and of these that can kill you, you know, overwhelmingly they don't. And you get away with eventually one thing will get you, but that's not bad odds, really.

LL: Well, in the last two lines of your book, a simple, beautiful description of what happens after death. Could you read those for me?

BILL BRYSON: Sure. Of course. It's just you know, I'm talking about what happens to the body as you, when you die and how it shuts down and how it begins to decompose and everything. And I just say and that's you gone, but it was good while it lasted, wasn't it?

LL: And is that your view?

BILL BRYSON: Yeah. No, I think life is a real gift and we should appreciate it while we've got it.

LL: Wise words. It's been a delight talking to you. Thank you.

BILL BRYSON: Thank you very much. It's been my pleasure.

NK: Bill Bryson is the author of The Body: A Guide for Occupants. He talked to Laura Lynch back in November. Well, that is our show for you for today. Q is up next here on CBC Radio One. Tom Power is speaking with author Salman Rushdie. CBC Listen, of course, is where you can find our show, everything that's on CBC Radio, CBC Podcasts and CBC Music. It's the new free app, so you can access the very best in Canadian audio. You can listen to The Current live, of course, from anywhere on your phone or your tablet and you can catch up on our show highlights on demand anytime. Now throughout today's show, we've been hearing about some of the brave souls across the country who won't be with family or friends, but who are instead settling in for the Christmas Eve nightshift. We're going to leave you with one more story now. This is from a snowplough operator in Halifax who'll be making sure the roads are clear for everyone who is heading home for the holidays. He spoke with our producer, Mary-Catherine McIntosh. Safe travels to all of you. And to those who celebrate, Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah. I'm Nil Koksal. Thanks so much for listening to The Current.

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Dec. 24, 2019 episode transcript

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