Clara Hughes opens up about Olympic success and her struggle with depression

At 18, Clara Hughes became a competitive cyclist and won two Olympic bronze medals. Then, after cycling for a decade, she switched tracks and became an Olympic speed skater. She won four more medals. The year Clara retired from competitive sport, she agreed to be the national spokesperson for a multi-million dollar mental health awareness campaign. That's when she shared her struggle with debilitating depression with the entire country.

These are only the broad strokes of Clara Hughes' life, and she reveals what was happening between the lines in her new memoir, Open Heart, Open Mind. Clara Hughes spoke to Shelagh Rogers in Toronto. 

ON DISCOVERING THE SPORT THAT CHANGED HER LIFE

I was 16 at the time, and getting into a lot of trouble in Winnipeg. I've always had a lot of energy, and when I was younger it was channeled into dysfunctional places. I was flipping through the channels on my mom's TV one night, and I came across the speed skating at the '88 Olympics. Gaétan Boucher went out at world record pace, but he went out too hard, and I know what that feels like now. It's horrible, it's paralysis, but you still have to keep skating. He finished in ninth place, but I just thought it was the most awesome thing I'd ever seen — that somebody cared about something that much to hurt themselves that much. And I just thought, "I'm going to do that. That's going to be me."

ON STRUGGLING WITH DEPRESSION

It just all came crashing down [after the 1996 Olympics] because I had been living in a really out-of-balance way. I was in an environment and a sport that just didn't allow for any balance as a human being. No outside interests, a very controlled environment. It ended up being a very negative environment with my coach and with my sport, and I kept thinking that it would all be okay if I just win these things, because everyone who wins seems pretty happy and awesome and strong, so if I win I'm going to be all that. And all this stuff I'm feeling inside is going to make some sense. And I'm going to feel better about myself, or even good about myself, or at least worthy of being alive. My internal dialogue was just so vicious — if you talked to anybody else like that they wouldn't tolerate it. But I talked to myself that way. 

Clara Hughes' comments have been edited and condensed.