Fantasy football for beginners: A draft survival guide

Eds. note: This article was originally published in August of 2015, but is just as helpful for this year's draft. Good luck this season!

Well, now you've gone and done it. You just ruined your Sundays.

You were camped out near the water cooler, coffee machine, smoking section, or some other spot you hide from your boss to avoid doing actual work — wherever it is "real people" gather in "social situations"— and it happened.

Someone that knew you had some sort of passing interest in sports brought up the topic of fantasy football and insisted you join their league.

You relented, knowing the bare minimum about NFL football to understand the objective of the sport (something about the acquirement of points and not deflating the balls?) but know nothing about its fantasy cousin.

Don't worry, rookie. We have you covered. The following guide lays out the bare necessities to pilot you through your first year in your new favourite fake sport.

What is fantasy football?

It's best to start by comparing it to real football games. In these real NFL games, one team tries to beat the other by scoring more points. While you are also trying to accomplish this in fantasy football, you're actually cheering for (and against) individual players.

Basically you will face-off against another person and their make-believe team every week. The person with the most points from their players by the end of the week's games will be declared the winner, and therefore, a better human.

Make-believe team, eh? How do I get one of those?

You will draft a certain number of offensive players, plus a team's defence. The exact number of players you will draft vary league-to-league, but you are looking to create the best lineup you can.

Lineup? What's a lineup?

These are the players that you will slot in each position every week to gather these points for you to beat the team you are facing. The general lineup looks something like this:

• Quarterback (1)
• Running backs (2)
• Wide receivers (2)
• Tight end (1)
• Flex (this spot is filled by any offensive player aside from a QB)
• Kicker (1)
• Defence (1)

These players will earn your team points for their performance in their team`s games, and hopefully more than what your opposition can produce.

For more on scoring in your league, consult your league settings, or this general list of what scoring means.

That's a lot of numbers...and math. How did I get into this mess?

We discussed this in the preamble. You thought it was a good idea and didn't want people to question your #sprots aptitude.

Sounds about right. Is there still time to back out?

That depends. Are you immune to peer pressure and social shaming?

OK, then. My draft is next week. How do I avoid looking incompetent?

According to a totally made up number, 90 per cent of your success comes down to drafting well. There are a variety of tools at your disposal to rank various players, whether you are doing an auction or snake draft. (Click here for a clear explanation on those, and try not to take offense to the website we're redirecting you to).

When your league commissioner sends you your information for the league, try out a mock draft, which will allow you to make your draft mistakes in a practice format, and give you a good sense of what to expect.

That being said, there are still a few iron-clad rules for drafting:

• Don't draft kickers until your last pick
• Don't draft a defence until nearly your last pick
• And for the love of dog, don't draft anyone who's retired or expected to be injured for half the season

What about social interactions during the draft? What should I say?

They say it's better to stay silent and look a fool than to speak and remove all doubt. And sadly, there is no website like this to give you tips on what exactly to say.

Whether the draft is in-person or online, trash talk is always acceptable, but you can endear yourself to the league by cracking a joke about Tim Tebow, Geno Smith's jaw line, or how the Bills are going to the Super Bowl this year (Hint: they'll need to buy their own tickets).

With this info, you should be able to cruise through your draft with your fellow GMs none the wiser about your rookie status. Now you just have to come up with your very own puntastic or pithy team name.

For those of you readers who aren't fantasy rookies -- feel free to include your tips for our fantasy newbies in the comment section below!