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Comedy·THIS IS NO JOKE

14 hospitalized in wedding riot after discovery it's a cash bar

Guests armed themselves with décor and descended on the wedding party in a blur of burlap and lace.
Laura Salvas · CBC Comedy ·
(Shutterstock / Tharnapoom Vorana)

WINDSOR, ON—A once-multi-tiered cake lay smashed in the centre of a dance floor Saturday night, while nearby a bartender swept up glass from broken decorative mason jars. Both were evidence of the chaos that took place at the Flores-Sloane wedding after the couple's MC informed guests the reception would not feature an open bar.

"They laughed at first. They thought it was a joke," said mother-of-the-bride Tilda Sloane, holding an ice pack to her temple. "There was an awkward silence and then someone flipped Table Six."

Guests armed themselves with décor and descended on the wedding party in a blur of burlap and lace, hurling rustic log slices and tiny faux vintage birdcages at the bride and groom. Photos of the brawl have already surfaced on Pinterest.

"A groomsman stabbed me with a beer bottle," said MC Rod Jazzie from his hospital bed. "It was very dramatic as he had to pay seven dollars for it and tip the bartender before smashing it and jamming it into my neck."

Newlyweds Marcus Flores and Courtney Sloane said they were foolish to think guests had attended just to celebrate their loving union.

"We hope everyone we love can forgive us," Flores said during a brief bout of consciousness. "I suppose a complimentary bottle of Moosehead would have been a fair trade for guests who handed us an envelope filled with cash then sat through our hour-long traditional Catholic ceremony."

But some guests were still drunk with rage.

"We spent $900 to fly in from Sacramento, and we're expected to pay for our drinks or else endure a night completely sober in Windsor, Ontario?" said guest Miranda Horne, pressing fresh cotton balls under her husband's bloodied gums. "When no one was looking I opened our card to Courtney and Marcus and removed half the money we were giving them. But that twenty dollars barely covered two drinks."

"Not to mention they both got hammered at our wedding," added a now-toothless Ricardo Horne. "Courtney grabbed three whiskeys from our open bar at last call and then puked on our midnight food station. In fact, that's how she met Marcus."

We spent $900 to fly in from Sacramento, and we're expected to pay for our drinks or else endure a night completely sober in Windsor, Ontario?- Miranda Horne, wedding guest

Some guests, however, were prepared for the chaos.

Bridesmaid Rebecca Shaw disguised a three-litre box of wine by wrapping it in wedding paper, leaving the spout exposed, and placed it on the gift table.

"I spent the whole night stealthily filling my water glass with Chardonnay," Shaw said. "Sadly, I only got through half a litre before the brawl broke out. Whatever, I forgot to get an actual gift so they can have my leftovers."

The newlyweds forfeited their security deposit and were forced to pay more than $2,000 in damages to the venue.

"I guess it would have been cheaper to splurge for the open bar," Flores said. "The silver lining is we won't be invited to any future weddings, so we're kind of saving money in the long run."

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