Comedy·CHANUKAH

420 Zone clerk worried we've lost the true meaning of Chronikkah

Lamenting the perversion of what was once a "sacred holiday," 24-year-old 420 Zone clerk Jake "Cottonmouth" Bernstein said he worries we’ve lost the true meaning of Chronikkah.
(Shutterstock / tomertu)

MONTRÉAL, QC—Lamenting the perversion of what was once a "sacred holiday," 24-year-old 420 Zone clerk Jake "Cottonmouth" Bernstein said he worries we've lost the true meaning of Chronikkah.

"Chronikkah's just become so commercialized," Bernstein said, explaining that the holiday's grand and beautiful tradition—firing up some dank nugs, dousing your eyes in Visine, and then arriving rip-roaring high to your family Chanukah party—has been slowly obscured by a growing cottage industry of Judaica-themed bongs, pipes and rolling papers.

"Kids who come in here nowadays are always chasing the flashiest new Chanukah rollies, or the hottest new menorah bong," Bernstein said.

"In their rush to buy, buy, buy, they've forgotten what Chronikkah really means," he continued, growing tearful as he thought of all the young Jews who would never know the simple joy of playing dreidel with your little cousins while soaring on Sunshine Coast Pink Kush, or the loving warmth in your mother's eyes as she suggests, kindly and without judgment, that perhaps seven latke-brisket sandwiches is too many, or the magnificent wisdom of Zadie and Bubie as they talk of life in Poland before the war, and you nod along, silently and respectfully, even though you're too stoned to follow even the simplest narrative thread, let alone a twenty-five minute story of their three-year courtship in a Polish shtetl.

"Chronikkah used to stand for something special," Bernstein said, sniffling as he wiped a tear from his stubbled cheek. "And it's high time we remember that."

At press time, Bernstein reminded customers that all Chronikkah-related paraphernalia, including the Rabbi Dankowitz vaporizer, would be 15% off for all "Frequent Tokerz" card-carrying members.

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