A CBC Comedy guide to apple picking
Fall is here, bringing with it many beloved rituals—pumpkin spice-flavoured everything, scrambling to remember which weekend Thanksgiving falls on this year – but the most important tradition is apple picking—an annual event where we load all of our closest family members into a vehicle, and pretend we get along long enough to pick twice our weight in seasonal fruit.
This harvest season, be sure to follow our handy guide to ensure a happy and safe adventure for you and your loved ones.
Choose the correct location
In the fall, apple orchards pop up 45 minutes in any direction from every metropolitan centre in Canada. When deciding which farm you and your family will visit, compromise is key.
Generally, a farm with a hand-painted "U-Pick" sign, and a number of scarecrow-themed lawn ornaments will do. The specific number of scarecrows should fall somewhere between what your aunt would call "adorable" and what you would describe as "threateningly excessive".
Dress appropriately
Standard apple-picking uniform is a cable-knit sweater and loose-fitting jeans. You must photograph every family member in this uniform, and post the images to social media immediately. If you fail to do so, you must surrender a loved one to Applar, the Apple Demon, who lies in wait at the edge of the orchard.
Pick as many apples as you can carry, and then some
Anyone who says apples are their favorite fruit is a filthy liar, or a government plant. Every apple tastes exactly the same—sour and grainy, and best served under a mountain of sugar.
Still, you will wind up picking more apples than any human could imagine eating in their lifetime. You can justify the amount of apples you pick by swearing aloud that you will learn to bake outside of your ability.
"I'll make apple pies," you will say. "And jams and ciders and butters and pastes. Maybe I will befriend a kind horse to whom I can feed these apples."
You will do none of these things. But you'll find a strange comfort in the illusion.
"I can take apples to school to give to my teacher!" your nephew will offer, lying through his teeth. We all know that apples placed in the hands of any youth are immediately transformed into weapons. It's best to smile and nod, knowing each apple in his bag will be violently embedded in the siding of his neighbours' houses the moment he's out of sight.
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away!" your fiancé will say, grinning at his brilliance in remembering the old adage. You won't remember being engaged before entering the farm. Somewhere between the parking lot and the centre of the orchard, a plaid-shirt-clad person will have joined your party, who will seem overly cozy and familiar come photo-taking time.
Everyone will be engaged by the end of the outing—it is Applar's will. It's best to pre-order your artisan-crafted wedding invitations in advance. They say the fiancés are members of other families who refused to be photographed in uniform.
You must not anger Applar the Apple Demon
There is no joy in apple picking. There is only duty. We must all do our part to help the farmers with the Sisyphean task of clearing up all the apples before the end of October, lest Applar unleash his wrath upon us all.
When you encounter Applar, do as he says. Any family member who does not abide by Applar's demands will be transformed into apples themselves, and the circle will continue until the end of time. We all remember the case of Edna "Granny" Smith, who refused to take home her fiancé, stating she was "already married".
Pack an extra pair of socks
Fall days can get pretty chilly, so it's best to keep some extra warm clothes on hand, just in case!
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