Dad really into plagues this year

THORNHILL, ON—Surprising his family with a newfound love for biblical violence, local Thornhill dad Daniel Finkelstein seemed really into the plagues this year, sources confirmed Tuesday evening.

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"Pharaoh should've let Moses' people go when he had the chance," Finkelstein reportedly said, before bellowing out each of the ten plagues in a deep, rich timbre.  

"Blood, Frogs, Vermin, Beasts, Cattle Disease," Finkelstein shouted, according to several guests present at last night's seder, pausing between each of the plagues to mime the ancient Egyptians' suffering, and flick a drop of Kosher-for-Passover wine onto his plate with the passion and precision of Jackson Pollock.

"Boils, Hail, Locusts, Darkness," Finkelstein continued, his hands shaking with excitement and his eyes lighting up with each new terrible affliction.

"And Slaying of the Firstborn," Finkelstein shrieked as he reached the final plague, yanking the carving knife from the brisket tray to simulate the brutal murder of his six-year-old son Zachary at the hands of a merciless death angel, his family and friends watching in confused terror.

At press time, Finkelstein had reportedly calmed down somewhat after the second ritual handwashing, and comforting a profusely sobbing Zachary with a few sips of Manischewitz.

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