Drunken Sunwing pilot sentenced to eight months as Ryanair passenger

CALGARY, AB—Calling the punishment "severe, but necessary," Judge Lana Roy sentenced former Sunwing pilot Miroslav Gronych to eight months of flying as a passenger on no-frills Irish airline Ryanair.

"Pilots are going to think twice now before chugging a 26-ounce bottle of vodka in their hotel rooms an hour before takeoff," Roy said, adding that the fear of spending over 200 days on the low-budget airline as a passenger, sitting cramped in the fetal position while cursing Ryanair CEO Michael O'Leary for having the balls to charge you 60 euros to print out a simple fucking boarding pass, was enough to scare any pilot sober.

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According to Roy, the disgraced Gronych must go on nonstop, back-to-back Ryanair flights until his eight months are up, pausing only to sit in crummy airports between trips, tearing at his hair when Ryanair's cheaply made, shitty little app crashes, or sobbing after one of their customer service representatives, with their I-don't-give-a-shit attitudes, tells him he "just needs to be patient."

Mariam Cardiff, the Crown prosecutor, told reporters she was pleased with the sentence.

"What this does is send a message," Cardiff said. "If you jeopardize the safety of your passengers, you're going to do serious time on Ryanair, packed in tight amongst a group of Australian backpackers talking about their 'legendary' trip to Thailand, and going red with fury every time you're forced to pull out your goddam credit card just to get a cup of lukewarm coffee."

At press time, human rights group Amnesty International decried the sentence as "cruel and draconian," arguing that no person, not matter how heinous the crime, should be forced to endure one more minute than absolutely fucking necessary on that horrible, godforsaken airline.

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