Funny Stuff

10 tips for surviving that inevitably awkward holiday work party

Well, the first few snowflakes have fallen and there’s more on the way, which can mean only one thing... your employers have begun planning this year’s horribly awkward holiday work party.

Well, the first few snowflakes have fallen and there's more on the way, which can mean only one thing... your employers have begun planning this year's horribly awkward holiday work party. Before you start drinking on the company dime, here are a couple of tips to keep in mind.

1. Leave the Nutcracker costume at home

People love the occasional ugly sweater, antler headband or light-up accessory. But then there's always going to be one guy who shows up with a piece of mistletoe hanging from his belt buckle. Nobody likes that guy. Don't be that guy. And as for you ladies who like to dress up like naughty elves, don't bother. No matter how hot your body may be, no one wants to listen to you whine for three hours about how cold you are. It's winter. You live in Canada. Buy some pants and some self-respect.

2. Drinkin' with the boss

At most of these holiday parties, your boss will have a couple of cocktails and start asking your opinion on something work related. If this happens to you, remember the immortal words of Admiral Akbar… "It's a TRAP!" Just smile politely, pretend someone on the other side of the room is signaling for you, excuse yourself for a moment, and GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!

3. Kara-NO-ke

It's 10pm and some poor sap decides to plug in the karaoke machine. You want to do your classic rendition of Jingle Bell Rock? Go for it! Bring some friends! You want to do your "awkwardly close to home" version of Unbreak My Heart? Put the microphone down. Go home. Write a diary entry and watch Love Actually until you fall asleep in your own tears.

4. External venues vs. internal impulses

Believe it or not, whatever venue you use for your party will probably still be a business the day after your party. So as funny as you may think it is, avoid leaving a turd in the urinal or a used condom on the baby changing station beside a rogue line of white powder. Offensive? Yes. Actually true stories from this writer's service industry days? You bet.

5. Don't book that face!

I cannot make this clear enough… DO NOT DRINK AND POST! Wait until you're sober. That is, unless you want to explain to Mrs. "Sam from Accounting" and his three kids why he was "napping" on the bathroom floor at a Jack Astor's.

6. Mistle-tone-it-down

We've already talked about mistletoe on the belt buckle. Don't. This also applies to those who carry a piece of mistletoe in their pocket like some creepy uncle half way through a bottle of Lagavulin. Again, don't. What you think is "stealing kisses" is going to end up in a meeting with HR and some freshly printed resumes with your name on.

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